I Live in Pasadena
A: Where do you live?
B: I live in Pasadena.
A: Where is Pasadena?
B: It’s in California.
A: Is it in northern California?
B: No. It’s in southern California.
A: Is Pasadena a big city?
B: It’s pretty big.
A: How big is “pretty big”?
B: It has about 140,000 people.
A: How big is Los Angeles?
B: It has about 3 million people.
I Have a Honda
A: Do you have a car?
B: Yes, I do.
A: What kind of car do you have?
B: I have a Honda.
A: Is it new?
B: It was new in 2003.
A: So, it’s pretty old now.
B: Yes, it is. But it still looks good.
A: Do you take good care of it?
B: Oh, yes. I wash it once a week.
A: Do you change the oil?
B: My mechanic changes the oil twice a year.
Do You Have a Girlfriend?
A: Do you have a girlfriend?
B: No, I don’t. Do you?
A: I don’t have a girlfriend, either.
B: Why not?
A: I don’t know. Maybe I’m not rich enough.
B: Girls like guys with money.
A: They sure do.
B: They like guys with new cars.
A: I don’t have money or a new car.
B: Me, neither.
A: But girls like guys who are funny.
B: Maybe we should learn some good jokes.
Walking the Dog
A: Where are you going?
B: I have to walk the dog.
A: What kind of dog do you have?
B: I have a little poodle.
A: Poodles bark a lot.
B: They sure do.
A: They bark at everything.
B: They never shut up.
A: Why did you get a poodle?
B: It’s my mom’s dog.
A: So she likes poodles.
B: She says they’re good watchdogs.
Borrowing Money
A: Can I borrow $5?
B: Sure. Why do you need it?
A: I want to buy lunch.
B: Where’s your money?
A: It’s not in my wallet.
B: Your wallet is empty?
A: I don’t have even one dollar in it.
B: Being broke is no fun.
A: Even if it’s only for a short while.
B: It’s always good to have friends.
A: Friends will lend you money when you’re broke.
B: As long as you pay them back.
Going to the Beach
A: Let’s go to the beach.
B: That’s a great idea.
A: We haven’t been in a while.
B: We haven’t been in a month.
A: The last time we went, you almost drowned.
B: No, I didn’t.
A: Then why did the lifeguard dive into the water?
B: I think he wanted to cool off.
A: He swam right up to you.
B: And then he turned right around.
A: Maybe you’re right.
B: Maybe we should get going.
My Wife Left Me
A: Are you married?
B: No. I’m divorced.
A: When did you get divorced?
B: I got divorced two years ago.
A: Why did you get divorced?
B: My wife left me.
A: Why did she leave you?
B: She said she didn’t love me anymore.
A: Wow! That’s terrible.
B: Yes, it was.
A: Why didn’t she love you anymore?
B: She fell in love with my best friend.
What’s on TV?
A: I’m bored.
B: What’s on TV?
A: Nothing.
B: There must be something on TV!
A: Nothing that’s interesting.
B: What about that new game show?
A: Which one?
B: “Deal or No Deal.”
A: Tell me you’re joking.
B: I love that show.
A: I watched it once. That was enough.
B: It’s on right now. Let’s watch it together.
A Nice Place to Live
A: I like living here.
B: I agree. Pasadena is a nice city.
A: It’s not too big.
B: And it’s not too small.
A: It has great weather all year long.
B: It has the Rose Parade.
A: It has beautiful houses.
B: It has wonderful restaurants.
A: It has great schools.
B: It’s close to the mountains.
A: The people are friendly.
B: I’m not ever going to leave.
The New Mattress
A: We need a new mattress.
B: What’s the matter with this one?
A: It’s not comfortable.
B: It seems fine to me.
A: I toss and turn all night.
B: You should stop drinking coffee.
A: Look at these marks on my arms.
B: What are they?
A: They are bites.
B: Did the cat bite you?
A: No. The bedbugs in that mattress bit me.
B: Okay. Let’s get a new mattress.
My Laptop Is So Slow
A: My laptop is so slow.
B: Buy a new one.
A: I would if I had the money.
B: Why is it so slow?
A: That’s a good question.
B: Did you take it to a computer shop?
A: I would if I had the money.
B: Well, I guess you have to live with it.
A: Sometimes I want to throw it out the window.
B: You don’t want to do that.
A: Why not?
B: You might hit someone in the head.
How about a Pizza?
A: What’s for dinner?
B: I’m not sure.
A: How about a pizza?
B: You had pizza for lunch.
A: But I love pizza.
B: Everybody loves pizza.
A: So why can’t I have pizza for dinner?
B: Because you need variety.
A: What’s “variety”?
B: Different things—not the same thing all the time.
A: You mean, like a pepperoni pizza instead of a cheese pizza?
B: No, I mean a salad instead of a pizza.
The New House
A: We need to save money.
B: Why do we need to save money?
A: Because we need to buy a house.
B: But a house is so expensive.
A: That’s why we need to save money.
B: How much do we need to save?
A: We need to save enough for a down payment.
B: How much is that?
A: That’s about $30,000.
B: Thirty thousand dollars! That will take forever.
A: Not if we save every penny.
B: Okay. Here’s seven pennies.
Fish Are Everywhere
A: The Ocean is so big.
B: You can’t see the end of it.
A: It goes on and on forever.
B: And it’s deep, too.
A: I think its five miles deep.
B: Are there fish at the bottom?
A: There are fish at the top and the bottom.
B: Are there more fish or more people?
A: I think there are more fish.
B: I hope so. I love to eat fish.
A Bad Boyfriend
A: I’m upset with my mom.
B: Why is that?
A: I warned her about her new boyfriend. She didn’t listen to me.
B: What happened?
A: I gave her $1,000 for her birthday. I told her to spend it on herself.
B: That was very nice of you.
A: I found out that she gave it to her new boyfriend.
B: Why did she do that?
A: He said he would buy her a nice ring.
B: What’s wrong with that?
A: He went to Las Vegas. He lost it all gambling.
B: I hope your mom broke up with him.
Talking Animals
A: Do animals talk to each other?
B: Of course they talk to each other.
A: What do they talk about?
B: They talk about other animals.
A: What else do they talk about?
B: They talk about food and the weather.
A: Do they talk about us?
B: Of course they talk about us.
A: What do they say about us?
B: They say that we are funny-looking.
A: Ha! We’re not funny-looking; animals are funny-looking.
B: We’re funny-looking because we wear clothes.
Housecleaning Day
A: I have to clean the house.
B: Yes, it’s very dirty.
A: You can help me.
B: Why me?
A: Because you helped make it dirty.
B: What do you want me to do?
A: I want you to clean the bathroom.
B: Oh, that’s easy.
A: Clean the sink, the tub, the counter, and the toilet.
B: That’s a lot of work.
A: Tell me when you finish.
B: I don’t think so. You’ll just give me more work.
A TV Lover
A: You’re watching too much TV.
B: What do you mean?
A: I mean you’re wasting your life.
B: I’m having fun.
A: You’re sitting there with your mouth open.
B: Who cares?
A: I care. Do something.
B: Okay. I did something.
A: What did you do?
B: I turned up the volume.
A: That’s not what I meant by “do something.”
B: Will you do something? Leave me alone.
Write to Your Grandma
A: Did you write a letter to grandma?
B: Yes, I did.
A: Did you tell her about school?
B: I told her that school is fun.
A: Did you put the letter in an envelope?
B: Yes, and I sealed the envelope.
A: Did you put a stamp on the envelope?
B: I couldn’t find any stamps.
A: They’re in the kitchen drawer.
B: Okay. I just put a stamp on the envelope.
A: Give me the envelope, and I’ll mail it for you.
B: When is grandma going to learn about e-mail?
Are You Sleepy?
A: Why are you yawning?
B: I’m sleepy.
A: Why don’t you go to bed?
B: I want to watch this TV show.
A: Maybe you should record it.
B: The tape recorder is broken.
A: Then you should watch the rerun.
B: Why? I’m watching the original.
A: But you’ll be asleep in about one minute.
B: I’m just yawning because the commercials are on.
A: Okay. I’ll tell you how the show ends.
B: Zzz.
God Is Watching
A: It’s Sunday.
B: So?
A: You know what that means.
B: I forgot.
A: Sunday means we go to church.
B: Oh, yeah.
A: Put on a coat and tie.
B: Why?
A: To show respect to God and others.
B: I’m glad Sunday is only once a week.
A: I hope God didn’t hear that.
B: He’ll forgive me.
Feed the Cat
A: Did you feed the cat?
B: I’ll do that in a minute.
A: The cat is meowing. He’s hungry.
B: Okay. I’ll feed him right now.
A: You shouldn’t make him wait.
B: I was doing my homework.
A: The cat doesn’t care about your homework.
B: The cat doesn’t care about anything.
A: That’s the way cats are.
B: All they think about is themselves.
A: Maybe we should get rid of him.
B: Of course not! He’s family.
Shave Your Face
A: I hate shaving.
B: Me too.
A: I just cut myself again.
B: Did you use a new blade?
A: It doesn’t matter. Old blades cut, new blades cut.
B: Maybe you should use an electric shaver.
A: They make a lot of noise, but they don’t give a close shave.
B: Maybe you should stop shaving.
A: And grow a beard?
B: Sure. Why not?
A: Because food and other stuff sticks in my beard.
B: Hmm. Here’s an idea. Put cream on your face and have the cat lick it off.
Two Polite People
A: Excuse me.
B: Yes?
A: Are you reading this paper?
B: Oh, no. Help yourself.
A: I asked because the paper is sitting next to you.
B: Thank you. That’s polite of you to ask.
A: Some people would just pick it up.
B: Yes, I know. Some people are rude.
A: I always try to be polite.
B: So do I.
A: The world needs more polite people like us.
B: I agree 100 percent.
Give Me a Puppy
A: Mom, I want a puppy.
B: Let me think about it.
A: Why do you have to think about it?
B: Because a puppy costs money.
A: No, it doesn’t. Puppies are free.
B: Yes, but a puppy needs shots.
A: Shots for what?
B: So it won’t get sick. Just like you get shots.
A: I hate shots.
B: And a puppy eats food. Food costs money.
A: No problem. I’ll give him food off my plate.
B: Oh, no you don’t. Puppies don’t eat vegetables.
Kittens to Give Away
A: Look at all these kittens!
B: How many are there?
A: Eight.
B: They’re all so cute.
A: Yes, but I can’t keep them.
B: What are you going to do with them?
A: I’m going to give them away. Do you want one?
B: Yes, I would love one.
A: Which one do you want?
B: That one. The one that’s all black.
A: Yes, I like that one, too.
B: I’ll call him Blacky.
Happy in Heaven
A: My parents go to church every Sunday.
B: They trust in God.
A: They hope they will go to heaven.
B: They probably will.
A: But no one knows for sure.
B: That’s for sure.
A: No one knows what happens after we die.
B: If we are good, we will be happy in heaven with God.
A: That’s what many people believe.
B: If we are bad, we will be unhappy forever in hell.
A: I don’t want to go to hell.
B: Let’s go to church with your parents on Sunday.
His Line Is Never Busy
A: My husband died.
B: I’m sorry for you.
A: Thank you.
B: When did he die?
A: A couple of months ago.
B: You still miss him.
A: Yes, but I talk to him almost every day.
B: When you go to church?
A: No, when I call him on his cell phone.
B: What do you mean?
A: I buried him with his cell phone.
B: What will you do when the battery dies?
Friday the 13th
A: Today is Friday the thirteenth.
B: That’s a bad day.
A: It’s supposed to be unlucky.
B: You’re supposed to stay home all day.
A: That’s what I do.
B: My friend stayed in a hotel on Friday the thirteenth.
A: That was a mistake.
B: He stayed on the thirteenth floor.
A: What happened?
B: Someone stole his laptop.
A: He was asking for it.
B: He learned his lesson. He’s home today.
Do You Love Me?
A: Do you really love me?
B: Of course.
A: Prove it.
B: How can I prove it?
A: Take me to dinner.
B: That’s it? That’s all I have to do?
A: Take me to a nice restaurant, not to McDonald’s.
B: But a nice restaurant costs money.
A: Yes, and you have to make a reservation.
B: That’s such a hassle.
A: I knew you didn’t love me.
B: Okay, okay! I’ll make a reservation right now.
Dad Has a Girlfriend
A: My parents are divorced.
B: So are mine.
A: Why did your parents get divorced?
B: My father found a new girlfriend.
A: That’s too bad.
B: My mother was hurt and angry.
A: She had good reason. What did she do?
B: She told him to drop his girlfriend.
A: What did your father do?
B: He moved out of our house.
A: I guess he really liked his new girlfriend.
B: Yes, but she left him a year later.
What’s That Smell?
A: My grandma’s apartment smells funny.
B: So does mine.
A: I think it’s an old people’s smell.
B: Really?
A: Yes. I think when you get old, you begin to smell.
B: Like fruit that is too ripe?
A: Yes, just like fruit that is too ripe.
B: But the smell is different.
A: Yes, old people don’t smell like fruit.
B: No, they smell like a thrift shop.
A: Yes, a thrift shop has that same smell.
B: Yes, an old smell.
They Deliver
A: The price of stamps goes up and up.
B: I think stamps used to cost a penny.
A: That was a long time ago.
B: It was before I was born.
A: Now a stamp is 42 cents.
B: But in May it will be 44 cents.
A: Have you ever lost a letter in the mail?
B: No, I haven’t.
A: Neither have I.
B: So, they do a good job for the money.
A: Yes, they do.
B: Maybe we shouldn’t complain.
A Lost Button
A: A button came off my shirt.
B: What are you going to do?
A: First, I have to find the button.
B: Where did you lose it?
A: I have no idea.
B: A button is hard to find. Did you look in your pant cuffs?
A: That’s a good idea.
B: I found a button in my pant cuffs one time.
A: Let me look. No, it’s not there.
B: Many shirts come with an extra button.
A: You’re right. This one does have an extra button.
B: Now all you have to do is sew it on.
Did You Say Something?
A: I have to go to the bathroom.
B: You drink too much coffee.
A: But I love coffee.
B: Well, it’s your life.
A: You eat too much chocolate.
B: I don’t think so.
A: Have you looked in the mirror?
B: Do you think I’m getting fat?
A: I didn’t say that.
B: What did you say?
A: I said I have to go to the bathroom.
B: That’s what I thought you said.
Washed and Folded
A: Did you do the laundry?
B: Yes, I did.
A: What did you wash?
B: I washed the sheets and towels.
A: What about the pillowcases?
B: Yes, I took them off the pillows and washed them.
A: Did you dry everything in the dryer?
B: Yes, I dried everything in the dryer.
A: Then what did you do?
B: I folded all the towels.
A: Did you put the sheets on the beds?
B: Yes, and I put the pillowcases on the pillows.
Talk Radio
A: Do you listen to the radio?
B: I listen day and night.
A: What do you listen to?
B: Mostly talk radio.
A: What’s that?
B: People talk about current events.
A: What do they say?
B: They say they want change.
A: What kind of change?
B: They want tax cuts.
A: Why do they want tax cuts?
B: Because tax cuts will save them money.
A Bad Diet
A: Mom, I’m hungry.
B: Look in the fridge.
A: I’m looking. There’s nothing to eat.
B: Are you sure?
A: It’s almost empty.
B: I went to the market yesterday.
A: I don’t see anything.
B: I bought lots of oranges and apples.
A: I don’t want fruit. I want something tasty.
B: Eat the fruit. It’s good for you.
A: Next time you go to the market, let me go with you.
B: No, thank you. All you want to eat are hot dogs and candy bars.
A Ham Sandwich
A: What is there to eat?
B: I don’t know. Look in the fridge.
A: I think I’ll make a sandwich.
B: What kind?
A: A ham sandwich.
B: The bread is in the cabinet.
A: Where’s the mustard?
B: It’s in the fridge, I think.
A: Oh, yes, here it is. Do you want a sandwich?
B: Yes, that sounds nice.
A: How about some potato chips?
B: Yes. And a pickle, if we have any.
Time for Your Bath
A: It’s time for your bath, young lady.
B: But, Mom, I’m not dirty.
A: You need a bath every day.
B: Why?
A: Because you don’t want to smell bad.
B: I don’t smell bad.
A: That’s what you think.
B: If I smelled bad, I could smell me.
A: I can smell you.
B: I can smell you, too.
A: That’s my perfume.
B: When can I wear perfume?
A Black Screen
A: Something’s wrong with my computer.
B: Exactly what?
A: All I get is a black screen.
B: What’s the matter?
A: I think I know, because this happened before.
B: What happened before?
A: My hard drive crashed.
B: Oh, no. That’s bad news.
A: It sure is, but I’m going to call HP first, just to make sure.
B: Will you lose all your files?
A: No, I always back up my files.
B: You’re smart.
A New Hard Drive
A: I called HP about my computer.
B: What did they say?
A: They said I need a new hard drive.
B: That’s too bad. How much is a new one?
A: It’s not too much, only about $85.
B: Plus installation?
A: No, my hard drive is easy to remove and replace.
B: Really?
A: Yes, it’s just a couple of screws.
B: That’s nice.
A: It’s a lot better than paying someone $60.
B: If my hard drive crashes, I’ll just call you.
Your Email Address
A: Bluedog123. Are you sure that's all?
B: Yes.
A: No. That’s incomplete.
B: What do you mean?
A: What’s your mailing address?
B: 456 Cherry Drive, Pasadena, CA 91170.
A: That’s correct.
B: So what’s the problem?
A: Bluedog123 is just the street. You have to give me the city, state, and ZIP code.
B: Oh, I get it. My email address is bluedog123@yahoo.com.
Time for a Nap
A: I’m going to take a nap.
B: You should unplug the phone.
A: That’s a good idea.
B: Do you want me to wake you in an hour?
A: No, thanks. Just let me sleep until I wake up.
B: I’ll start dinner at 6:00.
A: Okay. I think I’ll be awake by then.
B: If not, your nose will wake you up.
A: You mean I will smell the food cooking?
B: You might even dream about dinner.
A: I don’t think I’m going to dream about anything. I’m really tired.
B: Have a nice nap.
Thinking about His Funeral
A: That was a nice funeral.
B: Yes, dad, it was.
A: The son gave a nice speech about his father.
B: It was long, too.
A: I think it was about 45 minutes long.
B: But it went by fast. It was interesting.
A: I liked it.
B: I’ll give you a speech like that, too.
A: Do you think anyone will come to my funeral?
B: Of course.
A: I think only the family will be there.
B: You have lots of friends. They will be there, too!
The Elephant
A: Yikes! What was that noise?
B: I had to blow my nose.
A: Did you have to blow right next to the phone?
B: Did you hear that?
A: Of course I heard that. I thought a plane had crashed into your house.
B: It wasn’t that loud.
A: I will blow my nose sometime for you, and you’ll see.
B: Okay. I’ll take your word for it.
A: I thought you had an elephant in your house.
B: You’re funny.
A: What did you say? I think I’ve gone deaf.
B: I’m going into the bathroom to blow my nose. I’ll be right back.
You Can Have Some of My Friends
A: I have lots of friends.
B: Really? How many do you have?
A: I don’t know, maybe one hundred.
B: That is a lot of friends. Do you have a best friend?
A: Of course. I have lots of best friends.
B: How many best friends do you have?
A: I think about twenty-five.
B: Hmm. I have only one best friend.
A: I feel sorry for you.
B: I have only a few friends.
A: You must be lonely. I will share my friends with you.
B: That’s very nice of you.
If You Cheat, You Will Die
A: Don’t you ever cheat on me.
B: Why would I do that?
A: Because men like to cheat.
B: Some men do, but not me.
A: I’m watching you.
B: I’m an open book. Watch me all you want.
A: If I catch you, you’ll be sorry.
B: You won’t catch me, because I love you. I’m not a cheater.
A: I will poke your eyes out.
B: I don’t want any other woman.
A: I will chop your toes off, one by one.
B: Honey, please. You’re the only woman for me, forever. I swear it.
Let’s Not Go Out
A: I hate to go outside.
B: Me too.
A: Why do you hate to go outside?
B: I meet too many jerks.
A: I agree.
B: This city is full of jerks.
A: Rude people are everywhere.
B: But what can you do?
A: You can yell at them.
B: And they will yell back at you.
A: Yelling doesn’t do any good.
B: No. The best thing to do is just stay home.
Fill Out the Form
A: Will you look at this form?
B: Are you having problems with it?
A: I don’t understand some things.
B: Let me help you.
A: What does “MI” mean?
B: “MI” stands for Middle Initial.
A: What does “MM/DD/YY” mean?
B: That means Month/Day/Year. Use numbers.
A: I don’t understand.
B: For example, if your birth date is January 12, 1987, write 01/12/87.
A: Oh. That’s simple enough.
B: Always print clearly, and fill in the bubbles completely.
The Animal Shelter
A: Let’s go to the animal shelter.
B: What do you want to do?
A: I want to get a puppy for my son.
B: That will make him so happy.
A: I’ll get him one of those little dogs.
B: One that won’t grow up too big.
A: And eat too much.
B: Do you know which one he would like?
A: Oh, yes, I took him there yesterday. He showed me one that he really liked.
B: I bet you had to drag him away.
A: He wanted to take it home yesterday.
B: I wonder what he’ll name it.
A: Let’s go to the animal shelter.
B: What do you want to do?
A: I want to get a puppy for my son.
B: That will make him so happy.
A: I’ll get him one of those little dogs.
B: One that won’t grow up too big.
A: And eat too much.
B: Do you know which one he would like?
A: Oh, yes, I took him there yesterday. He showed me one that he really liked.
B: I bet you had to drag him away.
A: He wanted to take it home yesterday.
B: I wonder what he’ll name it.
Is It Raining?
A: What’s the weather like?
B: I don’t know. I just woke up.
A: Why don’t you look outside?
B: Okay. It looks like rain.
A: Why do you say that?
B: The sky is gray.
A: Is it raining right now?
B: No.
A: How do you know?
B: The Street isn’t wet.
A: I have to go shopping today.
B: You’d better take an umbrella.
It’s so hot
A: I can’t believe how hot it is.
B: It’s not even noon yet.
A: That means it will get hotter.
B: I am dying from the heat.
A: Turn on the air conditioner.
B: It doesn’t work.
A: What happened?
B: I don’t know.
A: Did you call the repairman?
B: Of course.
A: When is he coming?
B: He’s busy. He said next week.
A Snowman
A: I’ll be glad when winter comes.
B: Why is that?
A: Because I love the snow.
B: Yes, the snow is fun.
A: Last year we made a big snowman.
B: How big was it?
A: It was seven feet tall.
B: How long did it take?
A: It took us all day.
B: Did you give him a nose?
A: Of course. We gave him a big carrot for a nose.
B: Let me help you make one this year.
The ATM
A: I’m going to the bank.
B: What do you need to do?
A: I need to withdraw some money.
B: How are you going to do that?
A: I’ll just use the ATM.
B: What’s that?
A: It’s the Automatic Teller Machine.
B: It gives you money?
A: I just insert my debit card into the machine.
B: And it gives you money?
A: Well, it gives me money, but it’s my own money.
B: Oh. What good is that? I thought it gave you free money.
Move the Blue Bin
A: Did you put the blue bin out on the street?
B: Oh, no. I forgot.
A: Well, you’d better take it out front.
B: What time does the recycle truck come by?
A: It usually gets here at noon on Tuesday, which is tomorrow.
B: I’ll just take it out to the street tomorrow morning.
A: Oh, no, you don’t.
B: What do you mean?
A: Every morning you get up late and rush off to work late.
B: Do you think I’ll forget to do it?
A: You’ll remember to do it, but you won’t have time to do it.
B: Okay, I’ll take it out front right now.
Digital TV
A: Are you ready?
B: Ready for what?
A: Ready for the big switch.
B: What are you talking about?
A: The nation is switching to digital TV.
B: Oh. Of course I’m ready.
A: Did you buy the converter?
B: No, I don’t need a converter because I bought a digital TV.
A: How much was that?
B: It was only about $120 for a 13-inch screen.
A: Does it pick up any digital channels?
B: Oh, yes. I get six Korean channels but nothing in English!
Just Shoot Me
A: People are funny.
B: They sure are.
A: Did you hear about the pilot?
B: The one that stole a small plane?
A: Yes, he stole a plane in Canada and flew into the U.S.
B: Did they catch him?
A: Yes. After two U.S. fighter jets followed him for an hour, he landed on a highway.
B: Did he crash?
A: No, he just landed the plane and walked to a restaurant.
B: Did the cops find out why he flew into the U.S.?
A: His life sucked. He was hoping a fighter jet would shoot him down.
B: Poor guy.
Don’t Be a Racist
A: The police need our help finding a robber.
B: How do you know?
A: The TV news is reporting a bank robbery.
B: Do they know what the robber looks like?
A: Yes, he’s 6 feet tall, 200 pounds, black hair, and about 30 years old.
B: What race is he?
A: They didn’t say.
B: The TV news doesn’t tell us the race anymore.
A: Of course not. That would be racist.
B: But how can we identify someone if we don’t know their race?
A: Don’t ask me.
B: Then they also shouldn’t tell us if the robber is male or female, because that is sexist.
Use a Tissue
A: Don’t wipe your nose on your sleeve.
B: But I don’t have a tissue.
A: Then go find a tissue in the bathroom.
B: I didn’t have time to get one from there.
A: Your sleeves are not tissues.
B: But Mom, all my friends use their sleeves.
A: That doesn’t make it right.
B: I saw Dad wipe his nose on his sleeve yesterday.
A: I will talk to your father about that.
B: I bet Dad did it all the time when he was my age.
A: Your daddy was a good little boy.
B: How do you know? Were you his mommy, too?
Two Little Ones
A: I’m worried.
B: Worried about what?
A: I’m getting married.
B: You should be happy, not worried.
A: I am happy, but marriage is a lot of responsibility.
B: Yes, you have to take care of your wife.
A: And I have to take care of our children.
B: Are you going to start a family?
A: Yes. We want to have a little boy and a little girl.
B: That sounds wonderful.
A: Except we can’t afford it!
B: No wonder you’re worried.
But Is It Art?
A: I don't get art.
B: Or artists.
A: They're in a different world.
B: I saw a painting of a jar that was full of pencils.
A: The artist said the jar was both full and empty.
B: But it was full of pencils! How could he say it was empty?
A: Artists see things differently.
B: Did you ever see anything that Picasso painted?
A: Of course! He's world famous.
B: Did he ever take art lessons?
A: I can't believe it. I drew paintings like that in third grade.
B: Where are they? Maybe they are worth millions.
Life Is for Living
A: What's the point?
B: The point of what?
A: Of living.
B: Who knows? You live, and then you die.
A: We must be here for some reason.
B: Maybe we're here to have fun.
A: Then why aren't I having fun?
B: Because you're thinking too much.
A: So I should stop thinking?
B: Stop thinking about what the point is.
A: Okay. I'll start thinking about having some fun.
B: Just be patient. Fun doesn't come along every five minutes.
A Tough Choice
A: Beer is a powerful drug.
B: So are cigarettes.
A: Which would you prefer?
B: What do you mean?
A: When you die and go to heaven, they will offer you beer or cigarettes.
B: I could pick only one or the other?
A: Yes. Nothing's perfect, not even in heaven.
B: Boy, that's a tough one.
A: What's so tough about it? Of course, I would pick cigarettes.
B: But cigarettes taste much better when you have a cold beer.
A: Well, you can't have everything.
B: I don't think I want to go to your heaven.
Patch It or Sew It?
A: My pants have a hole in the front pocket.
B: You shouldn't carry pens in your pocket.
A: Yesterday a pen fell through my pants onto my shoe.
B: Lucky for you it wasn't a sharp knife.
A: Who carries a sharp knife in their pocket?
B: Criminals, of course.
A: Anyway, I have to fix the hole.
B: You can sew it up or use an iron-on patch.
A: Tell me about this patch.
B: The patch has glue. The hot iron melts the glue so the patch sticks on.
A: That sounds a lot easier than sewing.
B: It is. But after about ten washings, the glue washes off.
What's So Funny?
A: Do you know any good jokes?
B: I can't remember jokes.
A: Neither can I.
B: They go in one ear and out the other.
A: Who makes up all these jokes?
B: Who knows? But there must be a hundred new ones every day.
A: Yes, just in English alone.
B: I wonder if every language has jokes.
A: Of course! People everywhere like good jokes.
B: What do you think people joke about the most?
A: I think most jokes are about women.
B: Oh, really? I think most jokes are about men!
Spanish Spoken Here
A: You're very lucky.
B: Why do you say that?
A: You speak two languages.
B: Well, my English isn't perfect.
A: No one speaks perfect English.
B: Maybe I will be the first!
A: I've been thinking about learning Spanish.
B: Spanish is easy. I'll be happy to teach you.
A: How long will it take me to learn?
B: I think it will only take you a year or two.
A: How soon can we begin?
B: Ahora! That means right now.
It's the Only Earth We've Got
A: Do you know what today is?
B: Yes, it's April 22.
A: It's more than just a date.
B: Is it your birthday or anniversary?
A: No, it's Earth Day.
B: What's that?
A: It's a yearly reminder to take care of our planet.
B: Oh, you mean like reuse things and recycle stuff?
A: Yes. We need to think green, save water, and stop using plastic bags.
B: How about if I take shorter showers?
A: That's a good idea, because showers waste a lot of water.
B: From now on I'll spend only 20 minutes in the shower.
No Time for Rhyme
A: Poetry sucks.
B: I don't know anyone who likes it.
A: Some of it is okay, I guess.
B: Yes, the poems that rhyme and are easy to remember.
A: Like "One, two, buckle my shoe."
B: But people still write poems.
A: No one makes any money at it.
B: Shakespeare was a poet.
A: Did he get rich from his poetry?
B: Probably not.
A: Poems are a little bit like songs.
B: Yes, but songs have music. Without music, songs would suck, too.
Dumb and Happy
A: How smart are you?
B: I don't know. I think I'm average.
A: Did you ever take an IQ test?
B: No, I never did. All I know is that I got A's and B's in school.
A: I wish I was really smart.
B: Don't be ridiculous.
A: What do you mean?
B: If you're going to make a wish, wish that you were really rich or famous.
A: Don't you ever wonder what it's like to be super-smart?
B: It must be very lonely.
A: Why's that?
B: Because if you're super-smart, no one understands what you're saying.
Live from NBC 4!
A: I missed the TV news last night. What was on?
B: Nothing that would pass as news.
A: What's the weather going to be like this weekend?
B: I don't know. Whenever the weather comes on, I switch channels.
A: What was the lead story on the news?
B: Some actress was in court for driving without a license.
A: What was the second story?
B: Some actor married a woman young enough to be his daughter.
A: What was the third story?
B: A bull chased a man in a supermarket.
A: Wasn't there anything about Octo-Mom?
B: Of course. She's going to hire a nanny for her eight infants.
Life after Death
A: What are you going to do about your death?
B: Well, mostly I'll try to avoid it.
A: I mean, are you going to get buried or cremated?
B: My wife and I will be cremated.
A: Are you going to be buried next to each other?
B: Oh, no. Our ashes will be shaken into the ocean.
A: You're not going to be buried?
B: A coffin costs too much and takes up too much space.
A: Yes, but it will be in a cemetery where your children can visit you.
B: Children seldom visit their parents in a cemetery.
A: That's true. A cemetery is for dead people, not living people.
A: We figure our kids can visit us whenever they go to the beach.
Wipe Your Feet
A: Did you wipe your feet?
B: Yes, of course I wiped my feet.
A: Then why is there mud on the carpet?
B: I don’t know. It’s not my mud.
A: Well, someone brought it into the house.
B: Look at the bottom of my shoes—they’re clean.
A: Of course they’re clean. You left all the mud on the carpet.
B: Okay, I’ll get the vacuum cleaner.
A: Don’t vacuum it now.
B: Don’t you want me to clean up the mud?
A: Wait till it dries. It will be easier to vacuum.
B: Next time I will be more careful.
Mother’s Day
A: What are you getting for your mom?
B: What are you talking about?
A: Sunday is Mother’s Day.
B: This Sunday?
A: Of course. It’s all over the news.
B: I thought it was next Sunday.
A: Well, you’d better get her something.
B: I’ll get her a nice card.
A: Is that it?
B: Yes. That’s all I ever give her.
A: She raised you, and all you ever give her is a card?
B: It’s okay. She knows that I love her.
A New Flag
A: I don’t like our flag.
B: What’s the matter with it?
A: It’s too much like other flags.
B: Yes, a lot of flags have stripes.
A: A flag should be pretty.
B: What should our flag look like?
A: It should have a pretty woman on it.
B: That’s ridiculous!
A: You don’t like pretty women?
B: Of course I do. But not on our flag!
A: Every nation should have a pretty woman on their flag.
B: You can’t go to war carrying a flag with a woman on it!
Work up an Appetite
A: I had a busy morning.
B: What did you do?
A: I watered all the plants.
B: You have a lot of plants.
A: Then I did my laundry.
B: That takes some time.
A: I took the dog for a walk.
B: I’ll bet he enjoyed his walk.
A: I vacuumed the entire house.
B: That’s a lot of work.
A: And then I made lunch.
B: I’ll bet you were hungry!
Dialing for a Dollar
A: I don’t have long distance service with my home phone.
B: So how do you make long distance calls?
A: I use a calling card.
B: Where do you get that?
A: I buy it at the dollar store.
B: How much is it?
A: It’s one dollar for 100 minutes.
B: That’s only a penny a minute!
A: It’s a great price. But you have to dial a lot of numbers.
B: How many?
A: First you dial seven numbers, then ten numbers, then ten more numbers.
B: Yikes. I think I’ll keep my long distance service.
DATING
A Blind Date
A: I’ve got a date for you.
B: Oh, really?
A: Are you interested?
B: Maybe. What is she like?
A: She’s got a great personality.
B: Uh-oh. That means that she’s fat and ugly.
A: She’s cute.
B: Okay, so she’s not ugly; she’s just fat.
A: She weighs 98 pounds.
B: Okay, she’s not fat. So what’s the problem with her?
A: Who said there is a problem with her?
B: The problem is she has no problems—she’s too good for me!
Let’s Have Dinner
A: I think you’re very pretty.
B: Thank you.
A: Would you have dinner with me?
B: I would like to.
A: Can I pick you up Friday night?
B: What time?
A: Eight o’clock.
B: That sounds great.
A: We’ll go to a French restaurant.
B: I’ve never been to a French restaurant.
A: I think you’ll love the food.
B: I’m not going to eat any snails!
Blue Eyes
A: You have pretty eyes.
B: Thank you. So do you.
A: I wish my eyes were blue.
B: What’s the matter with green eyes?
A: Nothing, except my favorite color is blue.
B: Maybe in your next life you’ll have blue eyes.
A: But what if I’m a fish in my next life?
B: I think some fish have blue eyes.
A: I hope I don’t come back as a fish.
B: I hope I come back as a cat.
A: Cats have beautiful eyes.
B: I would love to have blue cat-eyes.
True Love
A: I love you.
B: I love you, too.
A: I loved you the first day I saw you.
B: It was love at first sight?
A: Yes, it was love at first sight.
B: I didn’t love you at first.
A: I know. I had to chase you for a while.
B: Yes, you chased me and then you caught me.
A: Now you’re mine forever.
B: And you’re mine forever.
A: We’ll grow old together.
B: And be happy together.
Ask Her Out
A: I’m in love with that girl.
B: Have you told her?
A: Of course not.
B: Why not?
A: She would laugh at me.
B: How do you know?
A: Because they always do.
B: Maybe she’s different.
A: They’re all the same.
B: Just ask her out to dinner.
A: And then what?
B: And then she’ll know that you like her.
A Night by Himself
A: Give me a hug.
B: I’m not in the mood.
A: What’s the matter?
B: I saw you looking at that woman.
A: What woman?
B: You know, that woman with the big boobs.
A: I was not looking at her.
B: You were, too.
A: I’m not interested in her.
B: Then why were you looking at her?
A: I was looking at something else.
B: Oh, really? Then spend tonight looking at the sofa.
Go on a Blind Date
A: Would you like to go on a blind date?
B: You must be joking.
A: No, I’m serious.
B: I don’t want to date a blind woman.
A: A blind date doesn’t mean that she is blind!
B: What does it mean?
A: A blind date is a date with someone you don’t know.
B: Why would I date someone I don’t even know?
A: To try something new and exciting.
B: What if I don’t like her?
A: Then you don’t date her again.
Two Pineapples
A: I have a date tomorrow night.
B: Really? Who with?
A: A girl I met at the market.
B: You met a girl at the supermarket?
A: She was standing behind me in a really slow line at the checkout counter.
B: What did you say to her?
A: I had two pineapples in my cart, and she asked, where I had found them.
B: She asked you about your pineapples?
A: I told her I had gotten the last two on the shelf, but I
offered her one of mine.
B: That was nice of you.
A: She asked me how she could return the favor, so I asked her out.
B: Sometimes a slow line can be a good thing.
One Date Only
A: Did you have a date Friday night?
B: Yes, in fact, I did.
A: Who did you go out with?
B: A man I met in a coffee shop.
A: Where did you go?
B: We went to a nice restaurant.
A: Anywhere else?
B: Then we went to a jazz club.
A: That sounds like a nice date.
B: Yes, it was pleasant.
A: But you won’t date him again?
B: No. He was nice, but there was no chemistry.
A Bad Date
A: I had the worst date the other night.
B: What happened?
A: First of all, he was half an hour late.
B: That’s not a good start.
A: Then he didn’t bother to apologize.
B: That’s rude.
A: Then he drove too fast to the restaurant.
B: That’s dangerous.
A: I thought about getting out and taking a taxi home.
B: What happened at the restaurant?
A: We had a $40 meal, and he left a $1 tip!
B: I guess you can’t go back to that restaurant.
Sweet Dreams
A: I don't like that man.
B: Why not?
A: He's a dirty old man.
B: What do you mean?
A: He's old enough to be my father, yet he asked me out.
B: Well, you can't blame a man for asking.
A: He should act his age.
B: But a lot of old people are still interested in dating.
A: They should find a nice hobby.
B: Just wait until you're 50 years old.
A: Dating will be the furthest thing from my mind.
B: That's what you say now. Wait till you're 50.
I Love You More than Money
A: Does your girlfriend ever make you angry?
B: Sometimes.
A: What does she do?
B: Just yesterday, I told her I wouldn't trade her for all the money in the world.
A: That was a nice thing to say.
B: That's what I thought.
A: What did she say?
B: She laughed! She didn't believe me.
A: That wasn't very nice of her.
B: She said that nothing is more important to me than money.
A: What did you say?
B: I told her I wouldn't trade her for any other woman in the world.
ENTERTAINMENT
A Great Movie
A: Did you see “Titanic”?
B: Yes. It is a great movie.
A: I saw it twelve times.
B: I saw it eight times.
A: I have the DVD.
B: So do I.
A: Let’s go to your home.
B: We can watch my DVD.
A: And then we can go to my home.
B: And watch your DVD.
A: I always cry at the end.
B: Me too. It’s so sad.
A Card Game
A: Let’s play cards.
B: I don’t know any card games.
A: I’ll teach you one.
B: Okay. What will you teach me?
A: It’s called poker.
B: Is it easy to learn?
A: Yes, it will only take about 30 minutes.
B: Okay. Teach me how to play.
A: We each get five cards.
B: Oh, look. I have four tens.
A: That’s great, but you’re not supposed to tell me.
B: Oh. Sorry. Okay, I don’t have four tens.
I Have Four Aces
A: I’m a good card player.
B: Why is that?
A: Because I watch the other players.
B: What do you mean?
A: People will “tell” you if they have a good hand.
B: How do they do that?
A: For example, a friend of mine licks his lips.
B: When he licks his lips, you know he has a good hand?
A: I know he has a good hand, so I don’t bet.
B: He never wins your money?
A: Nope, and it drives him crazy.
B: He knows you can’t read his mind. Maybe he thinks you’re cheating.
Too Much Volume
A: Turn the radio down, please.
B: But I’m listening to it.
A: Well, listen to it more quietly.
B: I can’t wait till I grow up.
A: What will you do?
B: I will play the radio as loud as I want.
A: That’s okay with me.
B: I will have a radio in every room of my house.
A: Remind me to never visit you.
B: All the radios will be on extra loud.
A: Your neighbors will hate you.
B: If they don’t like it, they can move.
Don’t Waste Your Money
A: I hope I win the lotto.
B: Your chances are very small.
A: But you can’t win if you don’t play.
B: Ha! You can’t win if you do play.
A: Someone has to win.
B: That’s what everyone says.
A: It might as well be me.
B: That’s what everyone says.
A: You’re trying to tell me something.
B: That didn’t take long.
A: You think I should quit playing.
B: Save your money for school.
Rained Out
A: What’s on TV?
B: Nothing much.
A: What about the baseball game?
B: It got rained out.
A: Rained out?
B: Yes, rained out.
A: How could that be?
B: Well, you can’t play baseball in a rainstorm.
A: I thought they were playing under a dome.
B: The dome doesn’t close.
A: Why doesn’t it close?
B: Who knows? They said they’ll fix it before next season.
A Sip of Coffee
A: Can I try your coffee?
B: Sure. Here you go.
A: Hmm, that’s not bad.
B: There’s nothing in it.
A: What do you mean?
B: I mean, it’s just coffee.
A: I figured that.
B: It’s not too bitter for you?
A: It’s a little bitter, but it’s okay.
B: There’s no sugar or cream in it.
A: No, it’s a taste you have to get used to.
B: Sort of like beer.
A Chilly Day
A: Let’s take a walk.
B: What’s the weather like?
A: Let me step outside and see.
B: It’s a little chilly, right?
A: Yes, it is.
B: I’ll put on my cap.
A: Wear a jacket, too.
B: I wonder if I should bring my gloves.
A: Maybe you should, just in case it gets colder.
B: I’ll put a glove in each pocket.
A: We’ll get warmer as we walk.
B: Yes, but it gets colder as the sun goes down.
A Crazy Driver
A: Look at the car chase on TV!
B: That driver is crazy.
A: I can’t believe he hasn’t crashed.
B: How fast is he going?
A: They say he’s going 80 miles per hour.
B: He’s going to kill someone.
A: Look! He just hit that car.
B: Oh, my goodness. No one is safe on the streets.
A: Now he’s slowing down.
B: Maybe he ran out of gas.
A: Look! He just got out of the car and started running.
B: I hope the police catch him.
It Isn’t News
A: TV news is so stupid.
B: They shouldn’t even call it news.
A: Last night they told us about a cat in a sofa.
B: Yesterday they told us about a dog in a pipe.
A: Last week they told us about a bear in a back yard.
B: Last month they told us about a mouse in a restaurant.
A: The weatherman tells us the temperature in every town.
B: The sports guy shows us players fighting.
A: They always tell us “what’s next.”
B: They always make “what’s next” sound exciting, but it never is.
A: It’s more like news for kids.
B: They should have kid reporters.
The Great Wall
A: I love my computer.
B: Computers are so cool.
A: I love to go online.
B: The Internet is amazing.
A: You can travel all over the world.
B: I know. I went to China yesterday.
A: What did you do?
B: I stood on the Great Wall and looked all around.
A: What was it like?
B: It was like the real thing.
A: It was like being there?
B: Yes, I felt like I was actually there.
The Beatles
A: The Beatles are the best.
B: They are the best musical group ever.
A: I love all their songs.
B: I don’t know which one I like the best.
A: I like the ones I can sing along with.
B: So do I, like “She Loves You.”
A: “She loves you, Yeah, yeah, yeah!...”
B: “…And you know you should be glad!”
A: What a great song.
B: How about “Let It Be”?
A: Oh, yes! “Let it be, let it be…”
B: “…There will be an answer, let it be!”
See a Movie
A: Let’s go to a movie.
B: I’d rather not.
A: Why not?
B: You know I don’t like crowds.
A: Let’s go to an early movie.
B: Okay, that won’t be very crowded.
A: What would you like to see?
B: Oh, I don’t care. You’re the one who wants to go out.
A: Well, I want to see “The Pursuit of Happyness.”
B: What have you heard about it?
A: It’s based on a true story about a divorced man and his young son.
B: Well, I hope it has a happy ending.
People-Watching
A: What’s your favorite thing to do?
B: I like to watch people.
A: That’s your favorite thing to do?
B: Well, it’s one of them.
A: Where do you go to watch people?
B: My girlfriend and I sit outside Starbucks.
A: That sounds like a good spot.
B: We watch people walk by with their dogs.
A: I guess you see lots of different dogs.
B: We don’t even know what kind most of them are.
A: There are lots of different kinds, but they all have one thing in common.
B: Yes, they love to sniff each other when they meet.
Free Money
A: They call him Father Dollar Bill.
B: Yes, he was on the TV news today.
A: Every Easter Sunday he gives away money.
B: Is it his money?
A: No. Movie stars give him money to give to homeless people.
B: How much money does he give away?
A: This year he gave away $15,000.
B: That’s a lot of money.
A: He gave $100 to people in wheelchairs.
B: What about the other homeless people?
A: They got $1 each.
B: People stood in line just to get one dollar?!
Old Movies
A: Old movies are the best.
B: Even though they’re in black and white.
A: A good story is more important than color.
B: Actors didn’t curse back then.
A: And there was no violence.
B: People today don’t like that.
A: No, today people like lots of action.
B: I like a good story.
A: I like to see actors who are like real people.
B: Like real people with real problems.
A: They still make movies like that.
B: Yes, but they never make much money.
Something for Nothing
A: Do you get PBS on TV?
B: Yes, everybody gets the Public Broadcasting System.
A: It puts me to sleep.
B: Tell me about it.
A: A gardening show follows a knitting show.
B: A cooking show follows a sewing show.
A: A travel show follows another travel show.
B: I'll say! I've gone around the world a dozen times already!
A: Now they're adding old TV shows to the old movies.
B: I sure would like to see something interesting for a
change.
A: If more people donate money, PBS could offer new shows.
B: Who wants to donate? Public TV should be free.
Judge Judy
A: I love to watch "Judge Judy."
B: Is that a TV show?
A: Yes. It's on every afternoon.
B: What's so good about it?
A: They have interesting lawsuits.
B: Such as?
A: Yesterday, a woman complained about a cell phone she bought on eBay.
B: Was something wrong with the phone?
A: It works only in Canada.
B: Did the seller know that?
A: Yes, and he didn't tell the buyer.
B: I hope Judge Judy made the seller take the phone back.
A Good Singer
A: That woman is a very good singer.
B: Yes, but she looks like a man.
A: What difference does it make?
B: Female singers are supposed to be pretty.
A: Singers are supposed to sound good.
B: They should look good, too.
A: There are lots of ugly men singers.
B: Men singers don’t have to look good.
A: Then neither do women singers.
B: Well, I would never buy her CD.
A: But you would buy her CD if she was pretty?
B: Yes. I would buy all of her CDs.
Going Digital
A: All the TV stations are going to go digital.
B: Yes, that will occur next month.
A: Most of them are already broadcasting in digital.
B: The digital signal is very clear.
A: Oh, no, it isn’t!
B: What do you mean?
A: I can’t get a single channel.
B: Do you have a digital TV?
A: Of course. But I don’t have cable.
B: You don’t need to have cable, but you do need a good antenna.
A: But I have rabbit ears.
B: Rabbit ears aren’t strong enough. Buy a digital antenna.
ABOUT HEALTH
A Stomachache
A: I have a stomachache.
B: Is it something you ate?
A: Maybe. I’m not sure.
B: What did you have for breakfast?
A: The usual, cereal with milk and a banana.
B: Maybe the milk was bad.
A: It didn’t smell bad.
B: Maybe the banana was bad.
A: No, the banana was delicious.
B: Maybe you just need to go to the bathroom.
A: No, that’s not the problem.
B: Maybe it will go away in a little while.
A Blood Stain
A: What’s this stain?
B: I don’t know.
A: It looks like blood.
B: I think my nose was bleeding.
A: You should wet your shirt immediately.
B: Why?
A: Because that gets the blood out of the shirt.
B: What’s a little blood?
A: Your white shirt is ruined.
B: So, I’ll just buy another one.
A: You can wear this one around the house.
B: Next time I’ll soak it immediately.
Sore Fingers
A: My fingers hurt.
B: Why do they hurt?
A: I type too much.
B: You should take a break.
A: I need to type to make money.
B: But typing is causing you pain.
A: Maybe I should see a doctor.
B: Doctors are too expensive.
A: He might tell me to rest for a while.
B: He might want to cut you open.
A: He might say I’m okay.
B: He might say you have bone cancer.
Too Much Stress
A: What did the doctor say?
B: He thinks I have too much stress.
A: Stress causes your stomachaches?
B: Stress causes different problems with different people.
A: So what did he tell you to do?
B: He said I need to think positive.
A: He didn’t give you any medication?
B: I hate medication. It makes me feel different.
A: So how do you think positive?
B: I think about nice things.
A: Like what?
B: Like a day at the beach, with my toes in the sand.
A Paper Cut
A: I cut my finger.
B: How did you do that?
A: It’s a paper cut.
B: Paper can be dangerous.
A: It hurts, too.
B: Paper cuts can hurt a lot.
A: Where are the band-aids?
B: I think they’re in the medicine cabinet.
A: It’s on the tip of my finger.
B: A band-aid might not work.
A: I must not use this finger until the cut heals.
B: It might take a day or two to heal.
Cigarette Smoke
A: Do you smell that?
B: Oh, yes.
A: I can’t stand cigarette smoke.
B: It smells so bad.
A: One cigarette stinks up the whole sidewalk.
B: Smokers think they are so cool.
A: They are so weak.
B: A little cigarette controls them.
A: They look so stupid taking a puff.
B: And then they blow smoke out of their mouth.
A: They think it’s cool.
B: Cigarettes stink.
Nose Drops
A: Do you have a cold?
B: Yes, I do.
A: How did you get it?
B: My sister had a cold. She gave it to me.
A: Have you taken anything for your cold?
B: No, I just blow my nose a lot.
A: Your nose is stopped up?
B: Yes. I have to breathe through my mouth.
A: Have you tried nose drops?
B: No, I don’t like nose drops.
A: They work great.
B: I don’t care. I don’t like to put drops in my nose.
Skin Cancer
A: Would you put suntan lotion on my back, please?
B: Sure.
A: Thank you.
B: You shouldn’t lie in the sun for too long.
A: I want to get a tan. I don’t want to look so pale.
B: What’s wrong with looking pale?
A: People think you might be sick.
B: Who thinks that?
A: I don’t know.
B: It’s better to be pale than to have skin cancer.
A: I know that.
B: So why are you arguing with me? Don’t lie in the sun too long!
Quitting Smoking
A: I can’t quit smoking.
B: Of course you can.
A: I don’t have enough will power.
B: Of course you do.
A: I wish I had never started.
B: So does every smoker.
A: I’ve tried to quit so many times.
B: So has everyone else.
A: Nothing seems to work.
B: All it takes is will power, and you have it.
A: Then why can’t I quit?
B: You have to believe in yourself.
A Bad Back
A: My back is killing me.
B: What did you do?
A: I got out of my car.
B: That’s it?
A: I injured my back one time just by sneezing.
B: You should see a doctor.
A: My doctor said I need surgery.
B: So?
A: So, forget it.
B: You don’t have the money?
A: I have no insurance.
B: Maybe a back rub would help.
Three a Day
A: My brother smokes three packs a day.
B: Three packs of what?
A: Cigarettes, of course.
B: How can he do that?
A: When he is almost finished with one cigarette, he uses it to light another.
B: He’s a chain smoker.
A: He’s been a chain smoker for 30 years.
B: That’s unbelievable. Can he still breathe?
A: He can, but the people around him can’t.
B: How can he still be alive?
A: His doctor says his heart and lungs are strong and healthy.
B: Maybe I should start smoking.
Brush, Brush
A: I hate brushing my teeth.
B: It’s such a chore.
A: Brush, brush. Spit, spit.
B: What did they do in the old days?
A: They brushed with their fingers.
B: They also ate with their fingers!
A: Why do they call it the good old days?
B: Maybe because they didn’t have to brush and floss.
A: Who invented flossing?
B: A dentist, I’m sure.
A: I hate flossing more than brushing!
B: I can’t wait till all my teeth fall out.
A Hot Hike
A: Let's stop for a while. I need a break and some water.
B: This trail is hard to climb.
A: Especially on a hot day like this.
B: I can't believe we haven't seen any animals.
A: Thank goodness! I don't want to see any wild animals.
B: All we've seen so far is a couple of lizards.
A: We're hiking to lose weight, not to see goats and bears.
B: I bet I've lost a couple of pounds already.
A: All you've lost is some sweat.
B: I haven't even lost one pound of fat?
A: If you want to lose fat, you've got to do this hike every day.
B: Okay, but let's hike in town. At least there are cats and dogs to see.
Another Pimple
A: Oh no, another pimple on my face.
B: Pimples suck.
A: It seems like I get a new pimple almost every day.
B: Maybe it's something in your diet.
A: No, I eat the same things day after day.
B: Then maybe it's in your genes.
A: You might be right.
B: Do pimples run in your family?
A: Not that I've noticed.
B: Well, maybe it's from the pollution in the air.
A: Whatever the cause, I hate seeing them on my face.
B: Well, on the bright side, they're fun to pop.
No Need to Worry
A: Do you believe everything you hear?
B: I don't believe anything I don't see with my own eyes.
A: You can't believe what you hear on TV or radio.
B: You can't believe what you read in the newspapers.
A: Everyone tells you a different story about the same thing.
B: Three different people will give you three different stories.
A: And the government will give you a fourth story.
B: Yes, like the government says not to worry about the swine flu.
A: But the swine flu just killed 20 people in Mexico.
B: The government says we have nothing to worry about.
A: Then why are some schools telling the kids to stay home?
B: The government says to wash our hands frequently, and we'll all be okay.
Use a Tissue
A: Don’t pick your nose.
B: I wasn’t picking my nose.
A: What were you doing?
B: I was scratching my nose.
A: I think I know the difference between picking and scratching.
B: Okay, mom, maybe I was picking it a little bit.
A: Use a tissue next time.
B: I didn’t have a tissue.
A: Then wait till you find a tissue.
B: I couldn’t wait. It was an emergency.
A: Oh, really? Maybe you should have called 911.
B: It wasn’t that kind of emergency.
A Dirty Remote
A: Our TV remote is filthy.
B: Yes, it’s covered with crud.
A: I’m going to clean it.
B: Don’t use water on it!
A: I’ll use a damp cloth.
B: Don’t let water get into any of the cracks.
A: I’ll squeeze the cloth so it’s almost dry.
B: Don’t rub the numbers off the remote.
A: I will rub gently but firmly.
B: Do it quickly, please, so I can change channels during commercials.
A: I’ll give it back to you in a couple of minutes.
B: Maybe we should put it in a plastic bag to keep it clean.
An Earful of Pain
A: My ear is killing me.
B: What’s the matter?
A: I was on a plane.
B: So?
A: So, every time the plane goes up, my ear starts to hurt.
B: That’s no good.
A: Sometimes the pain goes away, and sometimes it doesn’t.
B: Have you seen a doctor?
A: I’ve been to two doctors.
B: And they couldn’t fix your problem?
A: They both said I have to live with it.
B: Or you can stay off planes.
A New Face
A: Did you see the woman with the new face?
B: Did she get a nice job?
A: She got an “everything” job!
B: What do you mean?
A: A team of doctors gave her a whole new face.
B: Why did they do that?
A: A mad dog bit most of her face off.
B: Oh, that’s terrible. What does she look like now?
A: Her face is really fat, but they say the swelling will go down.
B: And then will she look normal again?
A: I guess so.
B: God bless modern medicine.
A Sore Hand
A: There’s something wrong with my right hand.
B: What’s wrong with it?
A: It aches most of the time.
B: What do you think it is?
A: I don’t know. I think it’s old age.
B: If it’s old age, why don’t both of your hands hurt?
A: That’s a good question. Maybe it’s not old age.
B: Are you right-handed?
A: Yes. All my life.
B: You’re wearing out your right hand. Stop using it so much.
A: But I do all my writing with my right hand.
B: Start typing instead. That way your left hand will do half the work.
ABOUT JOB
I Need a Job
A: I need a job.
B: I thought you had a job.
A: I did.
B: What happened?
A: I got laid off.
B: That’s terrible! When did it happen?
A: I got laid off last week.
B: Just you?
A: No, ten of my coworkers got laid off, too.
B: What are you going to do?
A: I’m looking in the newspaper for a job.
B: Good luck!
Before Going to an Interview
A: Before you go to that interview, check yourself.
B: What’s to check?
A: Are your nails clean?
B: Yes, they are.
A: Did you double-check your nose and teeth?
B: They are clean, too.
A: Did you shine your shoes?
B: My shoes are shined.
A: Do your socks match?
B: Of course they match.
A: No, they don’t. One is black and one is dark blue.
B: Yikes! Thank you.
Work Is Hard
A: Life is hard.
B: It sure is.
A: I thought school was hard.
B: Me, too. I couldn’t wait to graduate.
A: But now work is hard, too.
B: I agree. Work is just as hard as school.
A: Sometimes I wish I was back in school.
B: Me, too. School was fun.
A: And it was only 12 years.
B: It went by pretty fast.
A: But work goes on forever!
B: We have to work for 30 years!
Peas in a Pod
A: I’m sleepy.
B: So am I.
A: I had a long day.
B: So did I.
A: I didn’t even have lunch.
B: Neither did I.
A: I was busy the whole day.
B: So was I.
A: I had to bring work home with me.
B: I did too.
A: Your day was just like mine.
B: Of course it was. We work together!
I Am a Babysitter
A: I don’t like my job.
B: What do you do?
A: I’m a babysitter.
B: Is that a lot of work?
A: Babies cry all the time.
B: You have to change their diapers.
A: I have to feed them.
B: Are you looking for another job?
A: No, I’m looking for another family.
B: Another family?
A: A family with only one baby.
B: That’s a good idea.
Hire Me
A: I need a job.
B: What was your last job?
A: I was a painter.
B: What happened?
A: I got laid off because there was no work.
B: What else can you do?
A: I’m a handyman.
B: Can you fix a dripping faucet in a kitchen sink?
A: Of course.
B: Then I have a job for you in my kitchen.
A: It will cost you only $20 plus parts.
B: Okay. That sounds like a fair price.
What If?
A: What would you do if you lost your job?
B: I have no idea. I’ve been here for 20 years.
A: Do you have any other skills?
B: Well, I know how to flip hamburgers.
A: No one would hire you to flip hamburgers.
B: Have you heard something that you’re not telling me?
A: What do you mean?
B: Are there going to be layoffs at this place?
A: I certainly hope not!
B: If you got laid off, you’d be flipping hamburgers, too.
A: Oh great, we could both work at Burger King.
B: Maybe we’d get laid off there, too.
Become a Teacher
A: Do your students ever talk about their jobs?
B: Yes, and they ask me what jobs are the best.
A: I tell my students to become a teacher.
B: Teaching is a great job.
A: It’s the best job I’ve ever had.
B: What makes it so good?
A: For me, it’s the students.
B: What do you mean?
A: I mean I have wonderful students.
B: That must be nice.
A: Teaching is the best part of my whole day.
B: You’re a lucky man to have a job you love.
Over and Over
A: Boy, I’m glad that job is finished.
B: How long did it take?
A: Four hours, without a break.
B: It’s always nice to finish a job.
A: Well, it’s good and bad.
B: What’s bad about it?
A: When you finish, all you do is start another job!
B: Yes, that’s right. It does get boring.
A: Especially if it’s the same work, over and over.
B: But that’s what most people do.
A: Yes, I guess most of us are stuck in a routine.
B: I wonder if there is any job that you don’t repeat over and over.
A Bad Boss
A: I think I have the worst boss in the world.
B: What makes him so bad?
A: He’s rude and he yells a lot.
B: That’s hard to take.
A: I’ve never heard him say please or thank you.
B: He sounds like a real jerk.
A: No one at work likes him.
B: Can’t you report him to his supervisor?
A: Of course not. If I do that, I’ll lose my job.
B: Yes, they don’t like troublemakers or complainers.
A: I can’t quit, because I’m making a good salary.
B: You shouldn’t choose money over happiness.
Light My Fire
A: What are we going to do?
B: About what?
A: About finding a job for me.
B: You don’t need a job. I make enough money for both of us.
A: That doesn’t matter. I don’t want to sit around.
B: Okay, what kind of job do you want?
A: I’m not sure.
B: Well, you should do something that you enjoy.
A: I enjoy selling. I was born to sell.
B: Okay, what do you want to sell?
A: Cigarette lighters. I’ll make a fortune.
B: But you hate cigarettes and you hate smoking!
Still Working
A: A new hotel is looking for workers.
B: Yes, I saw it on the TV news.
A: They need 300 new workers.
B: And 4,000 people showed up.
A: So many people are out of work.
B: I still have my job, thank goodness.
A: So do I, but I’m worried.
B: Me too. There are no guarantees.
A: If you lose your job, you can move in with me.
B: Oh, thank you. That’s very nice of you.
A: You would do the same for me.
B: Of course. What are friends for?
All His Eggs in One Basket
A: I think I did something real stupid.
B: What did you do?
A: I bought some stock.
B: Everybody buys stock.
A: I bought it on a hunch.
B: You didn't read about the company first?
A: I didn't have to. It's been in business for 60 years.
B: So what's the problem?
A: I used all my savings on this one company.
B: You put all your eggs into one basket.
A: If the company goes out of business, I'll have nothing.
B: Oh, you'll have something—you'll have a lesson you'll never forget!
His Parents Are Disappointed
A: I was going to be a doctor.
B: What happened to your plans?
A: I got a D in college chemistry.
B: Well, a D is better than an F.
A: A tutor helped me get the D!
B: So, you didn't become a doctor.
A: And now I'm glad that I didn't.
B: Why's that?
A: A hospital is the most dangerous place in the world.
B: Oh, yes, because of all the killer germs.
A: If you're a smart doctor, you stay away from hospitals.
B: Yes, the smart doctors are those TV news doctors—no hospitals, no patients.
Nice Doggy
A: I want to be a mail carrier when I grow up.
B: Why? A: Because you get to meet a lot of people.
B: You sure do.
A: And you get a lot of exercise every day.
B: That’s the truth.
A: And you get to play with a lot of dogs.
B: Well, you’re supposed to be working.
A: Yes, but I will always pet the friendly dogs.
B: What about the unfriendly dogs?
A: I think if you are friendly to dogs, they are friendly to you.
B: Dogs are like people—not all of them are friendly.
Knock, Knock!
A: I want to move to New York.
B: To the state or the city?
A: To the city, of course.
B: Why do you want to move there?
A: Because I want to make a lot of money.
B: There are a lot of poor people in New York.
A: There sure are—at least a million.
B: So how do you plan to become rich?
A: I will knock on the doors of all the corporations.
B: That won’t make you rich. Nobody will talk to you.
A: I will keep knocking on doors.
B: All you will get is sore knuckles.
AT THE RESTAURANT
I Feel Like Chinese
A: Let’s go out to eat.
B: That sounds like fun.
A: Where do you want to go?
B: Let me think a minute.
A: I feel like Chinese.
B: That sounds delicious.
A: I know a good Chinese restaurant.
B: How far away is it?
A: It’s only 10 minutes from here.
B: Do we need reservations?
A: Oh, no. We can walk right in.
B: Let’s go now. I’m hungry!
A Slow Burger
A: I can’t believe how long this line is.
B: This is a popular restaurant, isn’t it?
A: Yes, but it isn’t a fast-food restaurant, is it?
B: It’s the slowest hamburger in town.
A: That’s because they cook it while you wait.
B: Yes. That’s why it’s also the best hamburger in town.
A: A great burger and great service.
B: Yes, the workers are very polite.
A: And they’re clean.
B: I’ve been coming here for years.
A: Me too.
B: Excuse me. They just called my number.
A Good Lunch
A: Lunch was delicious.
B: Thank you.
A: What kind of soup was that?
B: It was tomato soup.
A: That tasted so good.
B: I put lemon and butter in it.
A: The sandwich was good, too.
B: Everyone likes bacon and tomato sandwiches.
A: Especially on toast.
B: And the pickles were great, too.
A: Tomorrow we’ll have rice and fish for lunch.
B: I can’t wait.
A Bad Steak
A: I’m calling the waiter.
B: What’s the matter?
A: This steak has too much fat.
B: What do you want the waiter to do?
A: Bring me a better steak.
B: I wouldn’t do that.
A: Why not?
B: They will drop the new steak on the floor, step on it, and then spit on it.
A: You’re crazy.
B: Then the waiter will give you a big smile as he brings you the new steak.
A: Where do you get these crazy ideas?
B: I used to cook in a restaurant!
Dirty Nails
A: Let’s leave.
B: But we just got here.
A: Did you see the waiter’s hands?
B: No.
A: He had dirty fingernails.
B: Really?
A: His nails were black!
B: That’s disgusting.
A: And he poured water into our glasses.
B: Yuck! No water for me.
A: I wonder if the cooks’ nails are dirty, too.
B: Who cares? Let’s get out of here.
Fear of Germs
A: Is this a clean restaurant?
B: Well, the tables and chairs look okay.
A: Okay, let’s sit down.
B: Check out the silverware.
A: It passes inspection.
B: Here comes the waiter. See if his hands and nails are clean.
A: Well, the waiter looked clean, so I guess it’s okay to eat here.
B: You’re forgetting about the bathroom.
A: I’m going to just hope that the bathroom is clean.
B: You’re not going to examine it before we order dinner?
A: No, I’d rather not find out that it’s dirty, because I’m pretty hungry right now.
B: Me, too. Let’s forget about germs and focus on food.
Bad Service
A: Have you seen our waiter?
B: Here he comes now.
A: We’ve been sitting here for almost 10 minutes.
B: Oops, I guess I was wrong. That isn’t our waiter.
A: We can give him five more minutes, and then leave.
B: I’ll go up front and talk to the manager.
A: That’s a good idea.
B: Maybe they’ll give us free drinks for waiting so long.
A: Maybe he’ll send us our waiter immediately.
B: Every time we eat out, it’s an adventure.
A: Last time, we got seats next to the kitchen.
B: We’ll never go there again.
A Good Table
A: Is this table okay?
B: No, it’s too close to the kitchen door.
A: How about this table?
B: No, it’s too close to the front door.
A: This looks like a nice table.
B: No, it’s too close to the salad bar.
A: Okay, I give up.
B: Well, there is one good table.
A: Great. Which one?
B: That one. A group of eight just sat down at it.
Do I Hear $60,000?
A: I don't believe the art world.
B: What is it this time?
A: An Andy Warhol drawing.
B: He's a famous artist.
A: He drew two butterflies and a flower on a napkin in a restaurant.
B: Did he sign it?
A: Yes.
B: Is it beautiful?
A: It's just black ink on a white napkin. And the napkin has food stains!
B: So it's not worth much?
A: Only about $30,000.
B: Without the food stains, it would probably be worth more.
ABOUT CRIME
Too Much Crime
A: Why is there so much crime?
B: Because parents don’t teach their kids right from wrong.
A: Is that it?
B: Also, there aren’t enough police.
A: But there are a lot of police.
B: There’s only one police officer per 100 criminals.
A: Can’t we hire more police?
B: No. It costs too much money.
A: Doesn’t crime cost more than police?
B: Yes, it does.
A: So it would be cheaper to hire more police?
B: Yes, it would.
No One Ever Leaves
A: This is a great neighborhood.
B: Yes, it is.
A: People are friendly.
B: Yes, they are.
A: The streets and sidewalks are clean.
B: Yes, they are.
A: There’s a real nice park nearby.
B: Yes, there is.
A: I feel safe here.
B: There is no crime here.
A: I wish I could move here.
B: Maybe you can, if someone moves out.
Fire and Smoke
A: The house burned down.
B: What happened?
A: The man fell asleep.
B: Was he smoking?
A: Yes, he was smoking a cigarette.
B: Did he die?
A: Yes, he did. His cat died, too.
B: That’s too bad. What about his smoke alarm?
A: The battery was dead.
B: A good battery would have saved his life.
A: He had cigarettes, but no battery.
B: It happens all the time.
Play with Fire
A: They say he has started fifteen big fires.
B: He’s been in jail three times already.
A: Why did they ever let him out?
B: It’s the law. They can’t keep him in jail forever.
A: Why not? Everyone knows he’s a firebug. He loves to start fires.
B: I don’t know. Sometimes the law doesn’t make sense.
A: But his latest fire killed someone.
B: This time they have charged him with murder.
A: So maybe he’ll go to jail forever?
B: I sure hope so.
A: Someone should set him on fire.
B: That would teach him a good lesson.
Fasten Your Seatbelt
A: Put your seatbelt on.
B: Why?
A: Because it will protect you in case of an accident.
B: But it’s uncomfortable.
A: It’s the law.
B: It’s so much trouble.
A: It’s common sense.
B: It’s so tight that it’s hard for me to breathe.
A: Hold your breath till we get there.
B: Okay, my seatbelt is on.
A: I’m glad you don’t complain very much.
B: I’m ready for an accident.
Use the Stepladder
A: What are you doing?
B: I’m going to change the light bulb. It burnt out.
A: What are you standing on?
B: A couple of dictionaries and some textbooks.
A: Are you crazy?
B: What’s the matter?
A: Those books will slip and you’ll fall.
B: It’s only a couple of feet.
A: What if you fall while you’re holding the light bulb, and it breaks and pieces go into your eyes?
B: I never thought about that.
A: You’d be blind for the rest of your life!
B: I’ll get the stepladder.
A Puddle on the Floor
A: Did you see that puddle of water on the floor?
B: Yes. I called for a clean-up.
A: A puddle of water is very dangerous.
B: It isn’t easy to see.
A: But it’s real easy to slip on.
B: Especially on these slick floors.
A: Someone who slips could hurt their back.
B: They could even crack their head open.
A: We should stand here till the clean-up person gets here.
B: We can leave if we put an orange cone here.
A: Yes, but I don’t know where the orange cones are.
B: It doesn’t matter. Here he comes now with the mop.
Double-Check Everything
A: I have to go back upstairs.
B: Why? We’re already late.
A: I have to check the stove.
B: What’s the matter?
A: Maybe I left the burner on.
B: No, you didn’t. I checked the stove before we left.
A: Are you sure?
B: Of course I’m sure.
A: Well, I have to go back upstairs anyway.
B: It’s getting later every minute.
A: I think I left the water running.
B: No, you didn’t. Let’s go! The only thing running is the clock!
Guns for All
A: The city is buying guns.
B: What are they paying?
A: Up to $200 for each gun, no questions asked.
B: Why are they doing this?
A: They want to get guns off the street.
B: Who would turn in a gun for $200?
A: That isn’t a good deal?
B: A good gun costs $400 or more.
A: Well, if you bring your receipt, maybe they’ll give you $400.
B: I’ll keep my receipt and my gun.
A: I didn’t know you had a gun.
B: Everyone in America should have a gun.
Crime Reduction
A: You're yawning.
B: I sure am.
A: You should go to bed.
B: I will as soon as I finish this article.
A: What are you reading?
B: It's about crime in Los Angeles.
A: What does it say?
B: The mayor says the crime rate is going down.
A: Then why does everyone lock their doors?
B: I guess they haven't read this article.
A: No one believes that the crime rate is going down.
B: Maybe the mayor is just talking about his own neighborhood.
Two Different States
A: People who live in California are crazy.
B: Why is that?
A: Because of all the earthquakes and fires.
B: But big earthquakes happen only once in a while.
A: Once in a while is once too many.
B: But you’re right. There are a lot of fires.
A: A recent fire destroyed 85 homes.
B: Still, it’s safer than Florida.
A: Florida doesn’t have earthquakes or fires.
B: No, Florida just has hurricanes every year from June to October.
A: But most of those hurricanes are harmless.
B: Excuse me. Hurricane Andrew destroyed 30,000 homes!
SCHOOLIFE
I Go to College
A: Do you go to college?
B: Yes, I do.
A: What college do you go to?
B: I go to Pasadena City College.
A: Do you like it?
B: Oh, yes, I really like it.
A: Why do you like it?
B: Because it has great teachers.
A: What else?
B: I like all my classmates, too.
A: Anything else?
B: Yes. It’s not expensive!
A Lost Pen
A: I lost my new pen.
B: Where did you lose it?
A: I don’t know.
B: When did you lose it?
A: I think I lost it today. I used it yesterday.
B: Did you check all your pockets?
A: I checked all my pockets.
B: Did you look in your desk?
A: Yes. It isn’t there, either.
B: It’s probably around somewhere.
A: Oh, well, it only cost me a dollar.
B: Only a dollar? Don’t even look for it.
Gravity for All
A: Gravity is very important.
B: What is gravity?
A: It’s the force that pulls everything down.
B: I don’t understand.
A: If you pour water into a glass, the water goes down into the glass.
B: Of course it does.
A: Without gravity, the water would go up.
B: You’re joking.
A: Without gravity, you would go up.
B: What do you mean?
A: You would float into the sky like a balloon.
B: That would be fun!
New Glasses
A: I can’t read my book.
B: Turn on the light.
A: The light is on.
B: Open the book.
A: The book is open.
B: See an eye doctor.
A: That’s what I need to do.
B: He’ll give you a prescription for glasses.
A: I’ll make an appointment tomorrow.
B: I’ll get the yellow pages for an eye doctor.
A: Read the phone number to me.
B: I’ll read it very loud, in case your hearing is getting bad, too.
School Items
A: What do you need for school?
B: I need pencils.
A: Anything else?
B: I need a notebook.
A: Do you need a pen?
B: No. I already have a pen.
A: Do you need a calculator?
B: No. The teacher doesn’t permit calculators.
A: How about a dictionary?
B: No, we have a big dictionary in the classroom.
A: Well, I guess that’s it.
B: Yes, that’s all I need for now.
A Good Magazine
A: I like this magazine.
B: So do I.
A: I read it once, and I subscribed.
B: It gives you all the news.
A: All the news in only 50 pages.
B: I like the political cartoons.
A: I like the beautiful photos of the houses for sale.
B: I always read the film reviews.
A: I never miss the food and drink section.
B: I gave a subscription to my parents.
A: Me too. They canceled their other news magazines.
B: So did mine!
Shake Your Pen
A: My pen is out of ink.
B: Shake it a couple of times.
A: I shook it. There is no more ink.
B: You can borrow mine.
A: Thank you. I’ll buy a new one tomorrow.
B: What were you doing?
A: I was writing a letter.
B: Who were you writing to?
A: It’s to my mom.
B: Tell her I said hello.
A: Okay. I’ll return your pen when I’m done.
B: Take your time.
Do Your Homework
A: Have you done your homework?
B: Not yet.
A: Then why are you watching TV?
B: This is my favorite show.
A: Go do your homework.
B: But, mom!
A: You can watch TV after you do your homework.
B: But the show will be over.
A: There will be another show next week.
B: Please?
A: You know the rules.
B: I hate the rules! I can’t wait till I grow up.
The Soldier
A: I can’t wait until I graduate.
B: Me too.
A: No more homework.
B: I hate homework.
A: Are you going to college?
B: I can’t afford it.
A: Me neither.
B: So what are you going to do?
A: I’m joining the army.
B: You’re kidding. You might get killed.
A: I don’t think so. After I finish, I’ll have enough money to go to college.
B: That’s not a bad idea.
The English Major
A: What is your major?
B: English.
A: What are you going to do with an English major?
B: I’m going to be a teacher.
A: High school or middle school?
B: High school.
A: I teach high school English.
B: I didn’t know that.
A: I started teaching five years ago.
B: How do you like it?
A: Do you see all this gray hair? It was totally black five years ago.
B: Maybe I’ll teach middle school.
No Parking
A: Parking at school is impossible.
B: I’ll say.
A: I drove around for half an hour.
B: Did you find a spot?
A: I found a spot, but someone cut in and took it from
me.
B: Did you yell at them?
A: Yes, I did.
B: And?
A: And he yelled back at me.
B: How rude.
A: But I got lucky a few minutes later.
B: You have to be lucky to find a parking space.
Keep Your Eyes Open
A: This is a huge library.
B: Yes, it has lots of rooms and lots of space.
A: And lots of books.
B: And lots of thieves.
A: What do you mean?
B: I mean, keep your belongings close to you.
A: The only thing in my backpack is used books.
B: But thieves don’t know that.
A: They might think that I’ve got an iPod or laptop in there.
B: Now you’re thinking.
A: You’d think a library would be safe from thieves.
B: Not even a church is safe from thieves.
Two plus Two
A: How good is your math?
B: I can add two and two.
A: So you’re not very good at math?
B: I’m terrible at math.
A: Well, I need some help.
B: With what?
A: I’m taking a math course in school.
B: Well, you should ask your teacher or your classmates for help.
A: I can’t do that.
B: Why not?
A: They might think I’m stupid.
B: They’re not going to think that! They’ll be glad to help you.
Prayers
A: Do you believe in God?
B: Of course.
A: Do you pray to God?
B: Occasionally.
A: When’s that?
B: When I need something.
A: Like what?
B: Well, if I have a big test at school.
A: Does God answer your prayers?
B: Yes, I’ve passed all my tests.
A: Do you ever pray for money?
B: Not yet. I won’t need to do that until I graduate from high school.
Hit and Run
A: The cops finally found the husband.
B: What husband?
A: The husband of the driver who ran over two college students at 3 a.m.
B: Oh, yeah. The girl died instantly, and the boy is still in the hospital.
A: The husband said he tried to help the boy.
B: Yes, he pushed him off the hood of the car.
A: No, he said he gently placed the boy on the street.
B: So what? They still drove off.
A: The husband said a fire department was nearby.
B: So what? Did he dial 911?
A: He said he was thinking about it, but he didn't get around to it.
B: He didn't get around to turning himself in, either.
SPORT
Take Me to the Ball Game
A: Can we go to the baseball game?
B: Of course.
A: I love baseball.
B: So do I.
A: I love to eat the peanuts.
B: I love to eat the hot dogs.
A: I hope we’ll see a home run.
B: I hope we’ll catch a foul ball.
A: Bring a jacket.
B: Yes. It gets a little cool at night.
A: Bring a glove to catch a foul ball.
B: No. I’ll just use my cap to catch a foul ball.
Golf Is Silly
A: Golf is a silly game.
B: It certainly is.
A: You hit a white ball.
B: And then you chase it.
A: And then you hit it again.
B: Finally, you put the ball into a hole in the ground.
A: You do these 18 times, because there are 18 holes.
B: What’s the point?
A: How can it be fun?
B: They pay money to play this silly game!
A: I think golfers have a mental problem.
B: I think they’re nuts.
Fresh Fish
A: Do you want to go fishing?
B: Yes. That’s a good idea.
A: Where do you want to go?
B: We can go to the river.
A: Or we can go to the lake.
B: Or we can go to the ocean.
A: Let’s go to the lake.
B: Yes. The lake is only 10 miles away.
A: We can be there in 20 minutes.
B: I’ll get our fishing rods.
A: I’ll get the bait.
B: We’ll have fresh fish for dinner!
I Love Baseball
A: Baseball is fun.
B: I like to hit the ball.
A: I like to run around the bases.
B: I like to slide into the bases.
A: Yeah. It’s a lot of fun to slide.
B: I want to be a baseball player when I grow up.
A: Me too. I want to play for the Yankees.
B: Not me. I want to play for the Dodgers.
A: We have to practice every day.
B: I don’t like practice.
A: Me neither. It’s boring.
B: But practice makes perfect.
I’m Worried about Tiger
A: Tiger is the greatest golfer in the world.
B: You can say that again.
A: But I’m worried about Tiger.
B: Why is that?
A: Because he likes to SCUBA dive.
B: What’s wrong with that?
A: It can be dangerous.
B: You mean he could drown.
A: He shouldn’t SCUBA dive until he retires.
B: But he dives to relax.
A: He might relax, but it makes me nervous.
B: If his wife doesn’t mind, you shouldn’t mind.
Babe Ruth
A: Who’s the greatest baseball player?
B: There are so many great players.
A: Yes, but who is the greatest?
B: I’d have to say Babe Ruth.
A: Most people would say that.
B: He changed the game.
A: Yes, he made the home run popular.
B: Everybody loved him, all over the nation.
A: He helped make the Yankees the best team ever.
B: And Ruth was a good person, too.
A: He always visited hospitals to cheer up sick kids.
B: There will never be another Babe.
ABOUT TRANSPORTATION
What Will People Think?
A: I don’t like riding the bus.
B: Why not?
A: The seats and windows are dirty.
B: Don’t they clean the bus every night?
A: I think they do.
B: You should bring some wipes with you.
A: That’s a good idea.
B: Then you can wipe your seat and window.
A: People will think I’m strange.
B: Who cares? Everyone is strange.
A: That’s for sure.
B: Don’t worry about what people think.
Don’t Ride the Bus
A: I don’t like riding the bus.
B: Why not?
A: Number one, it’s too slow.
B: You’re right. A car is faster.
A: Number two, it’s usually late.
B: You’re right. The buses are never on time.
A: Number three, it doesn’t run 24 hours.
B: You’re right. Buses don’t run late at night.
A: Number four, it’s too crowded.
B: You’re right. You have to stand in the aisle.
A: Number five, it’s unsafe.
B: You’re right. Bad guys might rob you.
Don’t Cut the Tires
A: We had a problem at school.
B: What was the problem?
A: Someone cut the tires.
B: What tires?
A: The tires on the cars.
B: Where were the cars?
A: They were in the student parking lot.
B: How many tires were cut?
A: One or two tires were cut on each car.
B: How many cars?
A: Eleven cars.
B: That’s terrible. I hope they catch the person.
The Crosswalk
A: Life isn’t fair.
B: It sure isn’t.
A: I got a ticket yesterday.
B: What for?
A: I was crossing the street.
B: Were you in a crosswalk?
A: Yes, but the red hand was blinking.
B: So? That’s a ticket?
A: Yes, it’s a $140 ticket.
B: That’s not right!
A: When I started to cross the street, the white walk sign was blinking.
B: You need to walk faster.
It’s Okay to Speed
A: You’re driving too fast.
B: Why do you say that?
A: The speed limit is 65.
B: I know that.
A: But you’re doing 75.
B: So is everyone else.
A: But a cop might stop you.
B: No, he won’t. Some cars are doing 85.
A: So the cop will stop those cars?
B: Of course. He stops the fastest cars.
A: My friend got a ticket for doing 75.
B: Your friend was unlucky.
Check Your Tires
A: Remember to put air in your tires.
B: How often do I have to do that?
A: Once every two months.
B: That’s a lot.
A: What do you mean?
B: That’s six times a year!
A: Yes, and it takes about five minutes each time.
B: I’ll try.
A: Check your tires or you’ll get a flat.
B: Oh. That’s not good.
A: No, it isn’t. A flat costs you time and money.
B: And I don’t have either.
Don’t Be in a Hurry
A: You’re driving too fast.
B: I’m in a hurry.
A: Don’t ever be in a hurry.
B: It’s not my fault. You didn’t wake me up.
A: That’s not my fault. You didn’t tell me to wake you up.
B: Well, I meant to.
A: Don’t ever be in a hurry when you’re driving.
B: Why not?
A: Because you’ll have an accident. Most accidents are because people are in a hurry.
B: How do you know that?
A: I read a lot.
B: I thought drunks caused most accidents.
A New Car
A: Let’s go for a ride.
B: Where are we going?
A: Into the mountains.
B: That sounds nice.
A: I want to show you my new car.
B: You bought a new car?
A: Yes. I bought a Cadillac.
B: A luxury car.
A: Luxury plus speed.
B: What are we waiting for?
A: Let me get the keys.
B: Let me get my camera.
I’m Going to Explode
A: I have to go to the bathroom.
B: Why didn’t you go before we left?
A: I did, but I have to go again.
B: Well, hold on a little longer.
A: I think I’m going to explode.
B: Just hold on.
A: Oh! Don’t hit any more bumps!
B: We’ll be at McDonald’s in just a few minutes.
A: I hope they are fast minutes.
B: Think about something else. Think about a hamburger.
A: I’m thinking, but I still have to go.
B: It’s the next exit. Hold on!
The Missing Car
A: Where’s the car?
B: What do you mean?
A: The car isn’t here.
B: Where did you park it?
A: I parked it right here.
B: Are you sure?
A: Yes. I remember this big tree.
B: Maybe it’s the wrong tree.
A: No, this is the tree.
B: Did someone steal it?
A: I sure hope not.
B: Maybe they towed it away.
Too Many Cars
A: Look at this traffic.
B: I’d rather not.
A: It gets worse every year.
B: Why are you complaining? We’re going almost 20 miles an hour.
A: The speed limit is 65!
B: Well, that’s between 2:00 and 4:00 a.m.
A: Where are all these people going?
B: They’re all asking the same question.
A: When are they going to fix this problem?
B: They said they need more money.
A: They always need more money.
B: It’ll get worse before it gets better.
Don’t Call the Police
A: Did you see that car?
B: Yes, he went through the red light.
A: Can we call the police?
B: No, the police don’t care.
A: Why not?
B: They have to see it happen.
A: They don’t believe us?
B: No. They can only give a ticket if they see it
happen.
A: So, what do we do?
B: We don’t do anything.
A: Maybe we should honk the horn next time.
B: The driver will just honk back at us.
Wash the Car
A: My car is dirty.
B: Why don’t you wash it?
A: That’s what I’m going to do.
B: Are you going to wash it yourself?
A: Of course. It’s not a hard job.
B: I’ll help you.
A: Okay, I’ll get a bucket.
B: I’ll rinse the car first.
A: Then we can scrub it with a wet sponge and soap.
B: After that, we can dry it with a towel.
A: Then it will look like new
B: And you save $10.
Windy Weather
A: It sure is windy today.
B: Paper is flying everywhere.
A: This wind is dangerous for drivers.
B: Especially for drivers of big trucks.
A: The wind blows those trucks over.
B: It blows trees over, too.
A: A tree fell onto my dad’s car.
B: Was there much damage?
A: My dad had to buy a new car.
B: Wow! That’s terrible.
A: Never park your car under a tree.
B: The wind will get you, or the birds will get you.
Two Birds with One Stone
A: When are we going to stop?
B: We’ll stop at the next McDonald’s.
A: How far away is that?
B: I think we’ll be there in half an hour.
A: I hope so. I have to go to the bathroom.
B: Well, I can always pull over.
A: No, thank you, I’ll just wait.
B: We can kill two birds with one stone.
A: What do you mean?
B: While you’re using the bathroom, I’ll order some food.
A: Don’t order for me. I’m not hungry.
B: I’m very hungry. I’ll order for you, and then I’ll eat yours.
Beat the Light
A: This is such a long light.
B: Look how many cars are waiting in line.
A: They need a left-turn arrow.
B: Only two cars can make a left turn every three or four minutes.
A: We’ll be here forever.
B: Get out of this lane.
A: But we need to turn left.
B: Forget it. Go straight.
A: Then what?
B: Then we’ll just make a U-turn.
A: And then we can turn right at the light.
B: Good idea. It will be so much quicker.
A Dream Car
A: I need a cheap car.
B: How much money do you have?
A: $1,000.
B: Well, that should get you something.
A: But I need something that’s reliable.
B: You need a car with low mileage.
A: A car that was owned by a little old lady.
B: Where have you looked?
A: I haven’t looked anywhere yet.
B: Why not?
A: Because I’ll never find one for such a low price.
B: You’re right about that. Keep saving your money.
A Bad Driver
A: Good afternoon, officer.
B: Your driver’s license and registration, please.
A: Here you go.
B: Do you know why I pulled you over?
A: I have no idea. All of a sudden I heard your siren.
B: You rolled through that stop sign back there.
A: But I stopped!
B: No, you didn’t. You slowed down, but you didn’t come to a full stop.
A: Well, nobody else does, so why should I?
B: That’s not the attitude of a good driver.
A: But I am a good driver. I’ve never had a ticket in my life.
B: Well, you’ve got one now. Here. Have a nice day.
A Slow Walker
A: $140. I can't believe it.
B: What are you talking about?
A: I got a ticket downtown for $140.
B: Were you speeding?
A: No, I was crossing the street.
B: Were you jaywalking?
A: No, I was in the crosswalk.
B: So why did you get a ticket?
A: The officer said the red hand was blinking.
B: Was it blinking when you entered the crosswalk?
A: No, the white WALK sign was blinking.
B: You should fight that ticket. I’ll be your witness.
Beware the Carts
A: What happened to your car?
B: I got a dent in the parking lot.
A: How did you get it?
B: I don’t know. Maybe it was from a shopping cart.
A: Those shopping carts are dangerous.
B: Especially the metal ones.
A: I don’t park at a store that uses metal shopping carts.
B: That’s a good idea, but there was a good sale at this store.
A: Did you save any money on the sale?
B: Yes, I did. I saved about $50.
A: That’s great.
B: Yes, except this dent will cost about $150.
ABOUT TRAVEL
Beautiful Hawaii
A: I went to Hawaii on vacation.
B: Did you like it?
A: I loved it. I want to live there.
B: What did you like?
A: The Island is so green, and the water is so blue.
B: Did you go swimming?
A: I went to the beach every day.
B: How was the weather?
A: It was hot and sunny every day.
B: What did you do at night?
A: At night I went out to eat. The food was delicious.
B: People who live in Hawaii are lucky.
A Real Meal
A: I like this hotel.
B: What do you like about it?
A: We get a free breakfast.
B: Coffee and a roll?
A: No, a real breakfast.
B: Bacon and eggs?
A: With toast, ham, sausage, fresh fruit, and juice.
B: Wow! That is nice. Let’s stay for two nights.
A: And the rooms are clean, too.
B: Do they allow pets?
A: No pets, no smoking.
B: I like that. Let’s stay three nights.
New Sheets
A: I’m not sleeping here tonight.
B: What’s the matter? This is a nice room.
A: Maybe the room is nice, but not the bed.
B: What’s wrong with the bed?
A: Look at this sheet.
B: Yes?
A: See those stains?
B: I sure do.
A: I’m not sleeping on that sheet.
B: Well, just call the front desk. They’ll give us new sheets.
A: I want sheets without stains on them.
B: From now on, let’s bring our own sheets.
The Airport
A: What time does your plane leave?
B: It leaves at 12:15.
A: When do you have to be at the airport?
B: I have to be there two hours early.
A: So we have to be at the airport at 10:15.
B: That means we have to leave the house at 9:15.
A: Well, it’s an hour to get there, if there are no traffic problems.
B: So maybe we better leave at 8:15?
A: Yes, it’s better to get there too early than too late.
B: I agree.
A: You never know what might happen on these freeways.
B: There’s at least one huge accident every day.
A Christmas Flight
A: I need to fly to New York.
B: When are you going?
A: During the Christmas holidays.
B: You’d better buy your ticket now.
A: You must be kidding.
B: No, I’m not. It’s March. Time is running out. Seats are selling out right now.
A: I thought I would wait until October.
B: I’ll bet this is the first time you’ve ever flown during Christmas.
A: You’re right.
B: Well, listen to me. You need to buy a ticket now.
A: But maybe prices will be cheaper in October.
B: Cheaper prices won’t do you any good if there are no seats.
Fear of Flying
A: I hate flying.
B: So do I.
A: A long time ago, flying used to be okay.
B: Now it’s like riding a bus.
A: You’re jammed in with people all around you.
B: Half of them are coughing, and the other half are sneezing.
A: You don’t have any elbow room or knee room.
B: People are always getting up to use the bathroom.
A: Kids are crying or climbing over you.
B: It’s a flying zoo!
A: I wish I could afford first class seats.
B: Doesn’t everybody?
Row Your Boat
A: Some guy rowed across the Atlantic Ocean.
B: Good for him.
A: Why would he do that?
B: Did he set a new record?
A: Yes, I think he did.
B: Well, I guess that’s why he did it.
A: What’s the point?
B: Now he has the world record!
A: But someone’s going to break it, so what good is it?
B: Well, he can enjoy it while it lasts.
A: I don’t think he even got paid for it.
B: Some people do it just to do it.
A Cruise
A: I want to go on a cruise ship.
B: That sounds like fun. Where do you want to go?
A: I want to cruise to Hawaii.
B: That should be a nice trip. Lots of fun, and lots of food.
A: I have no idea how much it will cost.
B: I think it depends on the season and on your cabin.
A: Well, of course I want to go when the weather is nice.
B: Yes, you don’t want to travel in winter storms.
A: And I want to get a big cabin with a view.
B: Are you going to travel alone?
A: No, my sister and I will travel together.
B: Well, you should go online and try to find a good deal.
Prepare for Takeoff
A: I hate to fly.
B: Because of all the security?
A: No, because it hurts my ears.
B: What do you mean?
A: Every time we land or take off, my ears hurt so much.
B: That’s just the altitude change, I think.
A: Whatever it is, it hurts.
B: Can’t you take medicine or something for it?
A: I’ve tried everything, but nothing works.
B: Have you tried earplugs?
A: They don’t work, either.
B: Well, be glad you’re not a pilot.
The Grand Canyon
A: Spring break starts tomorrow.
B: Are you going to go anywhere?
A: I was thinking of driving to Arizona.
B: To the Grand Canyon?
A: Yes. I've never been there.
B: I was there when I was a kid.
A: How did you like it?
B: I loved it. I still remember how amazing it was.
A: I'm sure I'll like it, too.
B: You should try riding a mule on a trail to the bottom.
A: No way! I don't want to fall to my death.
B: Don't worry. Only one person has ever fallen off a mule.
Hotel Hell
A: That hotel was terrible.
B: The worst in the whole world.
A: The walls were so thin.
B: All day long we heard TVs or telephones.
A: All night long we heard people snoring.
B: Housekeeping didn't give us fresh towels.
A: Room service brought us a cold dinner.
B: Our nonsmoking room stunk of cigarette smoke.
A: Our room was right next to the elevator and the ice machine.
B: They added phony charges to our bill.
A: How did we end up in that terrible hotel?
B: The travel agent gave us a 50-percent discount!
A Long Day
A: I have to hang up. I’m so sleepy.
B: It’s not even 10 o’clock.
A: I’m falling asleep on the phone.
B: You got up real early.
A: I had to take my friend to the airport.
B: Why didn’t you take a nap when you got home?
A: I didn’t get home until 30 minutes ago.
B: Why is that?
A: There was a bomb threat at the airport.
B: Only a threat?
A: Yes, but I was stuck there all day while they looked for the bomb.
B: Someday the bomb is going to be for real.
A Free Trip
A: My dad went to Washington, D.C.
B: Why did he do that?
A: He was invited, along with about 90 other veterans.
B: Who invited them?
A: Some private organization.
B: Why did they invite him?
A: To thank him and all the other soldiers who served in World War II.
B: That’s very nice.
A: My dad got to see the beautiful new World War II Monument.
B: That trip must have cost a lot of money.
A: He said all the money came from private donations.
Serving Your Country
A: That was a great trip to Washington, D.C.
B: Tell me about it, Dad.
A: About 90 of us World War II veterans got on the plane at 8 a.m.
B: How long was the flight?
A: It only took about two hours.
B: Did you take pictures at the World War II Monument?
A: Oh, yes. We all took lots of pictures.
B: Then you flew back home that evening?
A: Yes. When we landed, TV reporters and the Army band were there.
B: That must have made you feel really special.
A: Oh, it did. There were about 300 people there to honor us.
B: Well, you all deserve it. You helped save our country.
About Food
A Good Salad
A: I love salads.
B: Me too.
A: I usually eat a simple salad.
B: What do you put in it?
A: Just lettuce, tomato, and celery.
B: That’s it?
A: I add some pepper and salt.
B: I always put cheese in my salads.
A: Yes, cheese is nice.
B: What kind of dressing do you use?
A: I pour lots of French dressing on top.
B: Me too. French dressing is so delicious! Who cares about calories?
We Get Cheese from Cows
A: I love cheese.
B: Me too.
A: Where does cheese come from?
B: It comes from cows.
A: So we get cheese from cows, and we get milk, too?
B: Yes, we do.
A: What else do we get from cows?
B: We get hamburgers and steak.
A: Oh, that’s so delicious.
B: We also get leather.
A: We get a lot of things from cows, don’t we?
B: Yes. A cow is man’s best friend.
I Used to Work in a Deli
A: I used to work in a deli.
B: How did you like it?
A: I loved it!
B: Did you get free food?
A: I ate free cheese and meat every day.
B: That sounds like a great job.
A: Whatever a customer ordered, I sliced off a little more for me.
B: Did you get fat?
A: No, but I did put on a few pounds.
B: That sounds like a dream job.
A: It was, until one day my manager caught me.
B: No more free cheese for you, huh?
A New Diet
A: I’m on a new diet.
B: What are you eating now?
A: I switched from pasta to potatoes.
B: Why did you do that?
A: Pasta is processed food. Potatoes are natural food.
B: Natural food has more vitamins.
A: And it’s just as easy to prepare.
B: How do you prepare the potatoes?
A: I wash them, and then steam them for 15 minutes.
B: That’s pretty simple.
A: Then I add butter, salt, and pepper.
B: Can I have all those cans of tomato sauce you bought for your pasta?
Same Old Diet
A: I eat the same thing every day.
B: You’re kidding.
A: No, I’m serious.
B: Doesn’t that get old?
A: No, because I’m eating food that I like.
B: But the same thing day after day gets old.
A: Well, I guess if it ever does get old, I’ll change to something different.
B: Do you eat fruits and vegetables every day?
A: No, I hate vegetables.
B: But you eat fruits.
A: I eat two apples, one banana, and one orange every day.
B: Well, there’s nothing wrong with that.
A Pink Orange
A: There’s something wrong with my orange.
B: What’s wrong?
A: It’s not orange!
B: Your orange isn’t orange?
A: No, it’s dark pink!
B: Are you sure? I never heard of such a thing.
A: I just peeled it, and I’m looking at it right now.
B: Let me see. Yes, you’re right. Your orange is pink.
A: Who ever heard of such a thing?
B: Oh, look. Here’s the little sticker that was on it. It’s called a Pink Navel.
A: What is this world coming to?
B: Who knows? Maybe soon we’ll have pink bananas.
Roasted or Boiled
A: I love peanuts.
B: Me, too. I love them roasted and salted.
A: I love boiled peanuts.
B: Boiled? I never heard of that.
A: Just boil raw peanuts in salt water until the shells are soft.
B: I’ll have to try them sometime.
A: They’re best when they’re hot.
B: My brother is allergic to peanuts.
A: That’s not good.
B: No, it isn’t. He almost died when he was little.
A: I guess he has to be very careful about what he eats.
B: He has a very strict diet.
A Pound a Week
A: I’m gaining weight.
B: How much have you gained?
A: Three pounds just this month.
B: Do you know why?
A: I think it’s the ice cream.
B: You started eating ice cream?
A: It was on sale.
B: How much did you buy?
A: I filled up my freezer with ice cream.
B: Well, it won’t last forever.
A: No, I figure I’ll finish it all by next week.
B: Then you can start losing weight, if there isn’t another sale.
No More for Me
A: I'm stuffed.
B: Of course you are. You ate everything on the table.
A: I don't like to eat leftovers.
B: I'm glad to hear there's something you don't like to eat.
A: I like my food hot and fresh.
B: You like to see it disappear.
A: I don't like it reheated.
B: Well, you'll have hot fresh food tomorrow night.
A: I'm so full I'm going to burst.
B: You should loosen your belt.
A: I already loosened my belt and unbuttoned my
pants.
B: Well, don't stand up, please.
Don’t Be Lazy
A: I saw what you did.
B: I didn’t do anything.
A: Oh yes, you did.
B: What are you talking about?
A: You know what I’m talking about.
B: I don’t have any idea.
A: You know what you did.
B: Maybe I know, but how could you know?
A: Because I was watching you.
B: Okay, I’m sorry I did it.
A: Don’t drink milk out of the carton. Use a glass!
B: I promise I’ll never drink out of the carton again.
A New Diet
A: I’m on a new diet.
B: What are you eating now?
A: I switched from pasta to potatoes.
B: Why did you do that?
A: Pasta is processed food. Potatoes are natural food.
B: Natural food has more vitamins.
A: And it’s just as easy to prepare.
B: How do you prepare the potatoes?
A: I wash them, and then steam them for 15 minutes.
B: That’s pretty simple.
A: Then I add butter, salt, and pepper.
B: Can I have all those cans of tomato sauce you bought for your pasta?
HOUSING
A New House
A: I really like this house.
B: Can we afford it?
A: They want 20 percent down.
B: That’s a lot of money.
A: But the house is so nice.
B: It’s in a great neighborhood.
A: It’s close to the beach.
B: It’s close to the freeways.
A: It’s got a big yard.
B: The kids love the house, too.
A: If we don’t buy it, someone else will.
B: You’re right. Let’s buy it now. We can worry later.
We Can't Afford This House
A: We can’t afford this house.
B: Are you sure?
A: We will be house rich, but cash poor.
B: What do you mean?
A: Our monthly payments will be too high.
B: We won’t have any money for other things?
A: No, we won’t have money for gas or food.
B: We’ll be eating peanut butter sandwiches?
A: Without the peanut butter!
B: That’s no good!
A: We have to find a cheaper house.
B: Of course. We can’t live without gas or peanut butter.
On the Corner
A: That is a beautiful house.
B: I don’t like it.
A: What’s the matter with it?
B: It’s on the corner.
A: So?
B: That means it gets twice as much traffic.
A: You’re right.
B: When you’re inside, you will always hear cars stopping and stopping at the intersection.
A: Or you’ll hear the collision if someone doesn’t stop.
B: Or you’ll see the collision if they crash into the house.
A: Let’s find a house that’s at the end of a dead end.
B: That’s perfect. The less traffic, the better.
A Great Apartment
A: I hate looking for an apartment.
B: Me, too.
A: We have a 2 o’clock appointment to see the one on Main Street.
B: We’d better get ready to go.
A: It’s an upstairs unit.
B: That’s good, because I don’t want to live under people with loud feet.
A: And it’s a corner unit.
B: That’s great. We won’t have neighbors on both sides of us.
A: No pets are allowed.
B: Perfect. We don’t have to listen to barking dogs.
A: And there are only six units in the whole building.
B: Where’s the checkbook? I’m ready to rent it without even seeing it.
Fix the Doorbell
A: Did you call the manager?
B: Yes. He said he’d come over tomorrow.
A: Did he say what time?
B: Yes. He said he’d be here at 9 o’clock.
A: Did he understand what the problem is?
B: Yes. I told him our doorbell doesn’t work.
A: It shouldn’t take him long to fix it.
B: I don’t even know why we need to fix it.
A: In case we have visitors.
B: But they can just knock on the door.
A: Actually, I want him to look at our carpet, too.
B: Yes, it would be nice if he’d give us a new carpet.
Almost Perfect
A: Do you like this house?
B: Yes, it’s beautiful.
A: It’s perfect for us and the kids.
B: Three bedrooms, three bathrooms, and a big back yard.
A: And we can afford it!
B: So are we going to buy it?
A: I’m afraid not.
B: It’s too far from your job, isn’t it?
A: I can’t spend four hours on the road every day.
B: By the time you get home, you’ll be too tired to even eat.
A: I won’t be able to play with the kids.
B: No, we have to find something closer to your job.
Almost Perfect
A: Boy, it’s chilly outside, isn’t it?
B: It sure is
A: In fact, it’s chilly in the apartment, too.
B: Let’s turn on the heat.
A: I’ll check to make sure that all the windows are shut.
B: It should be warmer in a few minutes.
A: It’s so nice to have a heated apartment.
B: How did they survive in the old days?
A: They had fireplaces.
B: Someone had to chop the wood.
A: And carry it into the house.
B: All we have to do is flip a switch.
Sell Now
A: This is a nice neighborhood.
B: The streets are clean and quiet.
A: The neighbors don’t party on the weekends.
B: People take care of their lawns.
A: No rusty old cars are sitting in the front yards.
B: We never have to call the police about anything.
A: Our kids are completely safe.
B: So why are we selling our house?
A: They’re building a 3-story apartment building on the corner.
B: So we’ve got to sell before property values go down?
A: Yes. I still can’t believe our city council allowed this building.
B: They’re probably getting something under the table.
Who Cares?
A: That was a huge fire in Santa Barbara.
B: Yes, it was.
A: They said about 30 houses burned to the ground.
B: And they were expensive houses.
A: I feel so sorry for those people.
B: Why feel sorry for rich people?
A: I feel sorry for anyone who loses their home.
B: So do I, but not if they’re rich.
A: What does that have to do with it?
B: Rich people think they’re better than us.
A: How many rich people do you know?
B: None.
Hungry Bears
A: Bears are invading our neighborhoods.
B: Of course they are. They’re starving to death.
A: They should stay in the woods where they belong.
B: There’s no food in the woods.
A: Can’t they eat grass?
B: Do you think a bear is a cow?
A: Well, I’ve seen them eating berries.
B: Berries aren’t in season all year round.
A: It’s too dangerous for kids and pets.
B: People need to cover their trash cans.
A: The police need to shoot all the bears.
B: You don’t solve a problem by shooting it.
SHOPPING
I Like That Shirt
A: I like that shirt.
B: So do I.
A: How much is it?
B: I don’t know. The tag is missing.
A: Ask the clerk.
B: I will.
A: Oh, look. Here’s another shirt just like it.
B: Does it have a price tag?
A: Yes, it does. It’s only $20.
B: That’s a great price.
A: I think I’ll buy both of them.
B: You’d better try them on first.
Pants That Fit
A: I bought you a pair of pants.
B: Thank you.
A: I hope they fit.
B: I hope you kept the receipt.
A: You think they won’t fit?
B: I think I’ve put on some weight.
A: You think?
B: Maybe a pound or two.
A: Maybe four or five pounds?
B: My waist is bigger than it was.
A: No problem. These pants have an elastic waistband.
B: You are so smart!
The Shopping List
A: What do we need to buy?
B: Let me look at our list.
A: I know that we need milk.
B: Nonfat.
A: Of course. What else?
B: We need cheese, bread, and ham.
A: What kind of cheese?
B: Swiss.
A: Of course, the cheese with holes in it.
B: I never used to buy Swiss cheese.
A: Why not?
B: I didn’t want to pay for the holes.
Poor Pockets
A: I need some pants.
B: I thought you just bought a pair.
A: I did.
B: What’s wrong with them so soon?
A: The pants are fine, but the pocket has a huge hole in it.
B: You shouldn’t carry your keys and pens in your pocket.
A: But that’s what pockets are for.
B: You should carry them in a purse.
A: I’m a man, and men don’t carry purses!
B: Well, you should buy pants with stronger pockets.
A: I would if I could find someone who makes strong pockets.
B: Try a Google search online.
Wipe Everything
A: What are those wipes for?
B: You use them to wipe the handle of the shopping cart.
A: That’s a great idea.
B: Yes, all the markets just started offering wipes to shoppers.
A: I’m going to take five wipes.
B: What do you need five of them for?
A: One to wipe the handle, and the others to wipe the produce.
B: What’s the matter with the produce?
A: Do you think the bananas fell from the sky?
B: What do you mean?
A: I mean, someone used their dirty hands to pick the bananas, the apples, and the oranges.
B: Well, you better save a wipe for the dirty dollar bills you’re going to pay with.
The 99 Cents Store
A: Did you go to the 99 Cents store?
B: Yes, I did.
A: What did you buy?
B: Well, I got a lot of good deals, as usual.
A: Like what?
B: Well, a dozen large eggs were only 99 cents.
A: That’s a good deal.
B: And a one-pound tub of soft butter was the same price.
A: Another good deal.
B: But the best deal was five pounds of potatoes for 99 cents.
A: I don’t know how that store makes money.
B: Neither do I, but they’re doing something right.
PC or Mac?
A: I need a new computer.
B: What’s the matter with yours?
A: It’s six years old.
B: That’s pretty old.
A: It still works, but I’m going to give it to a charity.
B: Are you going to buy a desktop or laptop?
A: Oh, a laptop, of course.
B: A PC or a Mac?
A: I haven’t decided yet.
B: More and more people are using Macs.
A: But 90 percent of the world uses PCs.
B: And that’s not going to change anytime soon.
Bad Business
A: I got ripped off.
B: What happened?
A: I had a car problem, so I went online.
B: Did you find a solution?
A: Yes, I did. A site I went to said they would send me the solution.
B: So, what’s the problem?
A: I sent them $20 using my credit card, but they never sent me the solution.
B: What are you going to do?
A: I sent them an email asking for my money back.
B: Have you heard from them?
A: Not yet. It’s been a week.
B: Well, I guess that’s a $20 lesson for you.
Sharpen the Pencil
A: Where’s the pencil sharpener?
B: Which one?
A: Any one. I need to sharpen this pencil.
B: I think there’s one on the dining room table.
A: I already looked there.
B: Did you look in the desk drawer?
A: Yes, I looked there, too.
B: Don’t we have about five sharpeners?
A: Yes, but they seem to have legs.
B: Tomorrow I’m going to buy an electric sharpener.
A: Get one with the rubber suction cups on the bottom.
B: Yes. That way it will stay where I put it.
To save Money
A: I’m trying to stretch my dollars.
B: How are you doing that?
A: I started shopping at the dollar store.
B: That saves a lot of money.
A: I bought three pounds of potatoes for a dollar.
B: That’s a good deal.
A: Yes, even though some of the potatoes had eyes.
B: Just put them in the fridge.
A: Also, I bought a can of cheap coffee and a bag of good coffee.
B: Why did you do that?
A: I mixed them together.
B: If the coffee still tastes okay, that’s a good idea.
